fat.

I’m fat. Sure, technically, I’m the US average.  So many people/friends think that I’m “not that fat” or “beautiful just the way that I am.”  But I’m fat.

It’s every day.  Every person.  Fat is like race or gender or any other physical difference discrimination, except that no one polices discrimination on weight.  No matter what you think.  You, and very much I, judge people based on their appearance. And I get judged for being fat all the time.  It’s harder to find someone who is attracted to me physically.  Certain classmates don’t even make an attempt to introduce themselves, much less care about who I am.  Going out drinking and being hit on is a rarity at most.  Even your guy friends would never put you under the same consideration set.  And no matter how much people tell you fake it and have confidence, it’s all about confidence and how you carry yourself… it’s not so simple. It’s not true.  You will always eliminate a huge subset of people because you’re fat and because they judge you on your fatness.

I feel like I get faced with judgment all the time.  I fear walking to my table at a restaurant because I’m afraid I won’t fit between the chairs.  I don’t even hit on hot guys because they’re way out of my league and would never notice me anyway.  There’s so much make-up and manipulation that has to happen with each outing and each photo app, not to get my “best side” but to get my “not fat side.”  I’m bombarded with others and me judging myself.  I feel disgusting and unpretty and not-worthwhile.

Yes, the reasoning can be made that you can never not be black or not be asian.  You can lose weight.  But it’s not as easy as people make it sound.  Additionally, it makes the whole self-esteem part worse.  I get judged and judge myself not only because I’m fat but also because I could technically lose the weight and not have to deal with the issue.

But why can’t I be okay the way that I am?  How much differently would I perceive the world, if I felt like I actually belong?  Is it just my fat or is it something in my personality that just isn’t cool enough? I don’t know.

I just want to be accepted.  I just want to be able to feel beautiful, truly beautiful.  Inside and out.  And I don’t know if anyone will ever love me being the way that I am.  If I’ll be okay with the fact that they may have “settled” for someone who’s fat because I’ll never know.  If I can love me for the way that I am.

UPDATE: my friend just sent me this link.  It’s not just me talking nonsense.  Fat people get paid less. Linkie

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21 Comments

Filed under just life, social

21 responses to “fat.

  1. Suma Nagmote

    J- this broke my heart… Im gonna talk to you.

  2. Elsa

    CALL ME.

    Love,
    Elsa

  3. i’m fat to.. or not.. i’m was fat. It’s very difficult to lose weight??? yes…
    For the people “the fat” it’s invisible? Come in italy, it’s different.
    But lose weigth and live, it’s very difficult in italy to…

    Good luck

  4. Hey,
    I know it’s hard in today’s society to feel pretty. Believe me, I have gone through some pretty heavy emotions because of my weight. But it’s all about celebrating the little things. Being happy that you had a salad because it’s healthy or celebrating losing half a pound. When I do that, I laugh at myself but it also makes me feel just a little bit better about my body. Even if we never lose the weight we want, it’s about saying “Fuck the world’s incorrect view of me.” What’s important is finding the things in life that you take joy in, and living it up. Having the courage to hold your head up and get through it day after day is the first step.
    Eventually, you’ll get to a place where you wake up with a smile on your face, ready to take on the day. But until then, keep on trying.
    I promise it’ll get better.
    Love and best wishes.

  5. Wow, what a post. Bravo to you, this is braver than I could have been. Your honesty and bravery make you beautiful. <3!

  6. I’m crying from your words. Thank you for being honest. That shit is not easy. And you are fucking beautiful. This is a hard journey we are on here, as humans. Remember the rules of society are false rules. Your ability to see that will help you see your body type is beautiful. Your reality is beautiful. The ability to look at yourself in the mirror and try to understand what you see makes you…someone who gets life. That’s all any of us want deep down inside. You have it girl. Thank you for the inspiration.

    • Thanks! That’s thoughtful, sincere, and sweet, a difficult combination. :) I feel like society’s rules may not be right, but they are reality. I know I get treated differently because of my weight and hope to allow myself not to care. My only wish is not to miss out on opportunities because of judgment. Really glad you shared and I wish more people thought like you. :)

  7. beca

    I’m a skinny girl but I just wanted to say this was really inspiring or touching or something. It really got to me. I don’t think being loved for who you who is easy (or hard…idk) as being skinny/fat. In my 19 years I have not once had a guy even care to get to know the thoughts that cross my mind or any of that, they all just think I’m going to be fun and easy because I’m skinny. Which is not true for either seeing as I’m totally boring, and never let things go pass holdings hands. I agree with what you said about the judging. It seems like everyone is always judging everyone else. It’s sad.

  8. Ky

    What a fantastic post. Bravo. Whether or not you lose weight what’s important is finding someone who thinks you shit gold. The girl above is right. Society is a facade and many people who meet the image requirements are unhappy as hell. The bottom line here is making yourself happy. Would it make YOU happy to start losing weight? Would it be for you and you alone? If so, fucking go for it. Make it happen. If you’re happy with yourself now despite the discrimination, then find a way to cope with the negative side and keep moving forward. Do what makes you happy. Whichever way you go, do it with your whole heart. You’ve got it.

  9. Hi Jany,
    your post touched me and made me very contemplative.
    My girlfriend is very chubby and sometimes she says, she’s happy
    about that “she has got me!!!” Then I become sad and angry, because
    I love her so much and she’s the most pretty woman of the world.
    Hope you will feel better if you find the man who’s loving you as you are.
    Regards from Germany

  10. Adderal can be perscribed for weight loss…. about 30 pounds off and you’d be good. Your heavier but you can still win.

  11. Seth

    I don’t exactly know how much this will mean, me just being some random person on the internet, but I would like to tell you that the way you look is my exact definition of beauty. I think you can find a man who isn’t going to be settling and will love you for who you are and all you just need to do is wait for him to find you.

  12. Pingback: Tips for Graduation | thilly thenny

  13. Nguyen Van Minh

    It’s sad that people judge others simply on their weight, the worst part is that we fat people will always judge ourselves. Unlike other groups like races, ethnic-groups or sexes we do not organize, people will always look at us and blame us for our own problems, maybe in a way it is, but my cousin got medication for his A.D.H.D. and it made him fat, he later commited suicide because people teased him, I’m glad that there are people who simply accept it.

    Reading your words are inspiring, and I wish I could’ve shown this to my dear cousin, this reminded me of him, as he was a fat Asian people in his school called him ”Sumo-kid”. So sad.

  14. angel

    I thought no one would ever love me because of how over weight I am. Thank to aigbedionspelltemple@gmail.com for helping me,i will always be gratefull to you,angel

  15. Jany, I love bbw’s, but I don’t think you are fat. To me you are in the middle, just right. I like women double or triple your size, about 350 pounds or more. I think really skinny women are gross. The only reason skinny caught on is because most all the celebrities were on drugs, so skinny became popular. Everyone has a preference of what is hot. Just because a guy doesn’t talk to you don’t mean he doesn’t like you. He might feel a bit intimidated, don’t assume, I do sometimes.

    Anyway, I am a very skinny man who also is made fun of because of my weight. I am about 60 pounds underweight. On a daily basis I am told to go eat and comments like that. I also grew up being made fun of since I have an introvert mind. Think of how it is for gothic people to fit in. Dont try to be what society wants you to be. If we were all the same, it would be a boring world.

    What it really comes down to is that you can’t please everyone. You are better than the bullies and people who talk shit. I have learned people are actually jealous and have to make fun of people who are better than them. Most of the time the things you go through make you a better stronger person. Look where I am today, been all over the world, have a decent job, and married a large woman with a great personality. You can email me for more info. I love to help people when I can and also have a health website. Even if you don’t buy anything, I can still get you heading in right direction if you still want to lose a bit. I personally think you are fine right now.

  16. Matt

    I don’t know if this blog is still very active, but I’d like to share my opinion here. I’m a young man who’s just beginning to understand relationships and I have to say, the outward way a person looks has nothing to do with attraction. There are women I find myself falling for now who years ago I wouldn’t have given a 2nd thought because of my immature mind. All the cheesy things we hear growing up about inner beauty and the likes, it’s all true. Miss, you are beautiful. And that’s that. My only advice to you is smile! There’s nothing sexier to a real man than a genuine smile from a genuine woman. It was a pleasure to read your blog and thank you for sharing your precious thoughts, so that someone like myself far away can spend time to ponder. <3

    • I completely agree with you. For many people, smiling and having a great attitude will get you far. However, it’ll never give you the automatic leg up that comes with being thin and pretty. (And yes, I realize that can be said for many genetic traits.)

  17. BTW thanks everyone for contributing their opinions and all the positive feedback. I’m really hoping that I’m not the only one who feels like this and someone out there reads this and knows that they’re also special…

  18. kenny

    kennyhk35@yahoo.com l work in hongkong for few years,be proud of you self .let befriend this is little world

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