I’m fat. Sure, technically, I’m the US average. So many people/friends think that I’m “not that fat” or “beautiful just the way that I am.” But I’m fat.
It’s every day. Every person. Fat is like race or gender or any other physical difference discrimination, except that no one polices discrimination on weight. No matter what you think. You, and very much I, judge people based on their appearance. And I get judged for being fat all the time. It’s harder to find someone who is attracted to me physically. Certain classmates don’t even make an attempt to introduce themselves, much less care about who I am. Going out drinking and being hit on is a rarity at most. Even your guy friends would never put you under the same consideration set. And no matter how much people tell you fake it and have confidence, it’s all about confidence and how you carry yourself… it’s not so simple. It’s not true. You will always eliminate a huge subset of people because you’re fat and because they judge you on your fatness.
I feel like I get faced with judgment all the time. I fear walking to my table at a restaurant because I’m afraid I won’t fit between the chairs. I don’t even hit on hot guys because they’re way out of my league and would never notice me anyway. There’s so much make-up and manipulation that has to happen with each outing and each photo app, not to get my “best side” but to get my “not fat side.” I’m bombarded with others and me judging myself. I feel disgusting and unpretty and not-worthwhile.
Yes, the reasoning can be made that you can never not be black or not be asian. You can lose weight. But it’s not as easy as people make it sound. Additionally, it makes the whole self-esteem part worse. I get judged and judge myself not only because I’m fat but also because I could technically lose the weight and not have to deal with the issue.
But why can’t I be okay the way that I am? How much differently would I perceive the world, if I felt like I actually belong? Is it just my fat or is it something in my personality that just isn’t cool enough? I don’t know.
I just want to be accepted. I just want to be able to feel beautiful, truly beautiful. Inside and out. And I don’t know if anyone will ever love me being the way that I am. If I’ll be okay with the fact that they may have “settled” for someone who’s fat because I’ll never know. If I can love me for the way that I am.
UPDATE: my friend just sent me this link. It’s not just me talking nonsense. Fat people get paid less. Linkie