not to be single. actually looking forward to that part.
no. scared that at any point in time someone can just walk out of my life. no contact. nothing. like they don’t care anymore. i don’t remember the last time that’s happened. there’s always been some period of discussion and getting over things.
this is new. i guess it’s part of growing up or something. that adults can actually do these things to each other.
jamie’s right. i’m very naive. i don’t think that people can actually just write others off. at least not with me. i haven’t done something that atrocious, have i? so what is it? wait. i know the answer to that. it’s just not a good enough of an excuse.
to run away from the problem. i always believed in discussing things and resolving problems. not ‘this isn’t working… so bye!’ that seems very immature.
but maybe i’m the one with unresolved issues and not him.
i’m not sure. it’s like he just moved on and doesn’t even think about it. at some point he said he would marry me, so how do you go from that to just i never want to know you ever again.
messed. up.
i guess i have to deal with it. trying not to think about it, but can’t.
i’m hurt, but not even angry or in tears or a mess… yet. more about the friendship and connection than the romance or anything else. it’s very weird and seriously confusing. i guess that’s why i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
how do you leave someone? and everything you’ve had?
did i fuck him up that badly? if so, what exactly did i do? or is it that he only cared in how much i was there for him. now that roz is here, he doesn’t need me in his life anymore? but that’s just more fucked up. i mean i thought this was the man with whom i had the deepest spiritual connection. and even if it’s not like that anymore, does it all just not matter?
honestly, if he ever reads this, i’m glad that he’s with roz. i knew from the beginning that she was better. they have more in common and she seems sane. (trust me, as a girlfriend, i’m not so much. 
P) and i’m finally free of it. to find someone else who’s my age, my status, my education level, etc. etc. not that it’s a criteria, but these similarities make life so much easier. and i’m thankful for all he’s given me in the process. overall it’s been more good than bad, and so much about love, giving, spirituality, how to treat people, etc.
i’m taking this as a bonus. our connection was supposed to end in monterey last year. and we ended up cheating father time.
duh, i’m still going through the pangs, but i’m okay with this one. with ty, it was so much worse. the break up that is.
i’m just utterly bewildered.
sigh.
maybe one day i’ll understand his answer. like he said. but for now, i’ll just keep going without him.
which sucks because he was such a bright beam of light in my life. and it seems like the lights in my life are all fading, and his is just completely out. almost like a black hole because it’s sucking energy out of me.
.
anyway, i’m excited that emilie and charlotte and visiting tomorrow. things are different than before though. maybe it’s me romanticizing the past. i have to learn more about this growing up thing. it’s completely different than what i knew of life.
i have to leave this spoiled brat inner child that’s been with me. to grow and mature and actually care about people. it’s bad. i’m too selfish. i need to care more about people. to be more flexible and compromising. to be better at making conversations. work in progress. 
and i can’t wait.
.
i don’t think i love oscar anymore. i still have love for him as a person. sad that it’s not reciprocated.
.
i hope you’ll see a better me soon.
cheers internet!
thenny thoo
