Ninety percent of my day goes over without a hitch. In fact, I think I’m taking charge of life, being more active at work, practicing my networking, getting involved in the community and generally trying to hang out with all my friends. I’m hoping this is a trend that I’ll keep up. Life’s keeping me pretty busy, and work even busier. Projects don’t stop piling up, but I feel so accomplished now that I’m slowly learning to push back (although how hard is something I have to work on) and manage my to-do list and focus. Of course this may have to do with the fact that I haven’t been helping with pitches this week. But most likely it’s the weather that’s bring out the optimism in this little chick.
Well what about the other 10%? That goes to my randomly snappy moods and general bitchiness. I understand that he made the best decision at the time, and perhaps this pain and hurt from betrayal will do me good in the future (hey, if it doesn’t kill ya, right?). I even hope that I could be nicer to him instead of feeling this raw sense of “I want to kick your fucking face in, and if I weren’t afraid I’d go to prison, I probably would have no reservations about it.” The problem is that I’m still hurt. I feel so lost that someone can randomly not be in love with you anymore. People say well he probably never was, but the people that really knew Oscar would disagree. He loved me all right. Hell, he probably loved and cared for me way before I gave two shits about him. Then, how do you explain this “I’m just not in love with you” anymore bullshit? I have no clue.
I don’t know how I can trust anyone again because I just gave my heart to one of my best friends and it go trampled on… like beat the living shit out of. I invest over two months and dealt with his entire side hating me and going who the fuck are you, just to be left. My ego is bruised. Fine. My heart, you don’t fuck with it.
No matter how much I yell or scream or administer my fiercest dose of sarcasm, he just accepts it. No argument. No words even. There is no satisfaction, I tell you. So now I have all this residual anger that I can’t pass on to Oscar. It just bubbles up inside of me and gets unleashed at whomever makes me feel vulnerable, irritated or basically any emotion. Emilie called today to say hi and that she’s visiting with Charlotte in March. Great news! But I still ranted to her about Oscar for the better part of half an hour. It just comes out, scary, raw and almost uncontrollable.
And I get even more angry at Oscar. He’s hurt me, and I keep letting him hurt me.
The best solution is to write him off completely. Let him get a dose of really being single. Not having anyone there who really listens or cares. Maybe he’ll be too busy, and I’m sure he’ll lean on Rouselyn, his friends and maybe even Nik. But guess what, fucker? I won’t be there. You asked me to make myself priority; well getting rid of you is going to be the best thing for me.
Blah! He’s such a poopface! And not even in the endearing sense! Damn it. Damn it all! :oP
I feel better… This chick’s feeling more like this:
Thanks!
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