Dear you,
It’s been okay recently, but this weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
I keep wanting things to be okay again. For you to “come around.” Be ready. Love me.
Fantasies about running into you and S. J. K. V. somewhere in the northeast. Meeting your mommy and Ajjie. Cooking breakfast together. Falling asleep in your arms… sans the snoring. Dancing with you at the EndUp instead of the various sleazes that tried to grab my hand, arm, waist. Just seeing you. Hugging you. Feeling your hair through my fingers as it gets longer and placing your cheek against mine.
I know that you aren’t ready at this point. And I truly believe that even if you were, I’m probably not that one. It really sucks. I don’t know how I got here so fast, and I’m not sure how to move on. I feel green compared to you. As usual, I don’t have the patience of time, even though I have the rest of my life to “get over” you.
I think the process is slow, and sometimes you say hurtful things without meaning to, like “most girls say that” or “yeah, we probably won’t get back together.” I know you don’t mean to, or maybe you do. It’s just the truth, but it’s hard to swallow.
There are still so many questions bubbling in my head, like did I really push you in and push you out? Why didn’t it work? Who are you hanging out with now? Why are there “random girls” commenting on your page? Why are there random girls that comment on most guys’ pages…? Do you ever think of me? Dream of me? Want me still? Was I ever pretty to you? Beautiful? Or was looks something you had to look past? Silly questions that I dare not ask. Stupid things that don’t deserve answers. Guilt trips that don’t need to happen. But I wonder nonetheless.
I couldn’t stop thinking about you Saturday, Sunday, today. Dancing at the club dreaming of what it would be like if you were there behind me. Waking up wishing I were curled next to you. Not wanting to sleep so I could keep you on the line just so much longer. Walking to work thinking about sitting on your lap and hugging you so tightly that you won’t be able to run away from me.
It’s silly I know. You have to want to stay in order to stay. I always understood that, but for some reason, I didn’t trust that I was good enough for you to want to stay. It was never about you being “not the one I’m looking for” and all about “I’m not good enough for you to actually have feelings for me.” And the more you showed that you weren’t ready, the more I thought that it was really something lacking in me and the more I held you close, guarded you from other silly girls, and pushed you away all at the same time.
I’m not sure what to think anymore. It’s hard to accept that you don’t want to be with me anymore. I’ve realized that all the stupid little couply things I wanted from you don’t really matter. It’s true. All I want is you. Your time. Your love… or at least your emotions.
And I know I was selfish. I know I was mean, naggy, bitchy, explosive, and random. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t control myself when I’m around you… I guess that’s why out of the 7 odd months we were together and the 5 weeks after, I was only really able to cry a handful of times when you weren’t there. I just feel so comfortable around you, so protected, and so accepted. I know you hated to see me cry, but I loved that I could get some release when I was around you. I’ve never really been not able to cry before, but all of a sudden, I can’t… I don’t know why either.
Yes, I’m being contradictory and probably lacking sense. But I want to put it out there. I’m not sure why I’ve always been this open, and more than once it’s just backfired on me. Digest or discard this at your will, if you’re even reading. Take it with a grain of salt.
I love you,
J.X.
