Ty posed an interesting comment the other day: why am I always so negative about our relationship?
I answered the best I knew how: it’s natural. I love him so much that when he didn’t seem to feel the same way about me, I started doubting everything in our relationship.
The truth is I probably pushed him too hard. Pushed for love and marriage and the future when I should be fighting for what we had then and there. I understand that there’s a delicate balance because truth be told, if I didn’t push at all, I don’t know if we would have ever been in a relationship.
He also commented that when he’s ready to be in a relationship, he’s probably not going to get back with me.
That’s a pretty hard one to take. True, he might be saying it so I’m not consciously or subconsciously waiting for him. But there’s a lot of trut in that comment. Things might just not mean to be. But somehow I feel like there’s something wrong with me or that I did that triggers him not to think of me when he’s finally ready. Yes, that probably not what he was thinking at all. That might be what he’s thinking. I’m not sure.
What I do know is that Sunday was absolutely wonderful. I really love him still. There’s still something between us. I just wanted to grab him the whole time and kiss him and unwrap him. During the movie, every once in a while, I just wanted to grab him and ravish him. I want to hold him. I want to be with him. I know he isn’t ready, and right now, he doesn’t want to be with me. But I itched to grab his hand while we were walking, itched to kiss him when we said goodbye.
I feel like I’ve done so many things wrong. That he was an amazing guy I pushed and pushe until he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
I know this will never work, so I should just move on and learn from this experience. But being there with him on Sunday stripped all the wants and wishes about how he should act as a boyfriend and whether or not he really wanted to be there watching a movie, when he could be working on his never ending to do list. I just had fun with him. We were. No distractions or random complications.
I miss him. I wonder if he misses me.
