i do. nothing can change that. i don’t even think time can. it might diminish the feelings, and i might find someone else i love more, but it doesn’t change that i love him.
it’s a lot harder than people describe it. it’s not always as painful because there’s so much emotion, and pain is only one of them.
more than anything, it just leaves you in a cloud of confusion. questions. haziness and carelessness about the rest of life’s anything else.
it’s losing a purpose to live. there seems to be a huge world of decisions out there now that i’m not ready to make.
i thought there would be beautiful children, long nights, and sacrifices, so he can find his true calling. instead, i face an everything of choice.
and like always, i shun it. me, who’s so lucky to be raised by caring parents and given the opportunities i have. even the material possessions that so many would dream of. the endless list of wants and needs.
i always said i was undeserving of it all. but i learned something from loving Ty.
i deserve it.
i simply choose to dedicate my life to loving those around me.
i’m not ambitious like most. i spend money like i don’t care because i’ve never really experienced life with it. but i don’t care about it either. i don’t desire fame or glory or any of it.
i just want a small piece of this world to call my own. to have those i love around me. to love me back.
and that’s why i love the painting Ty gave me.
it’s not because it’s particularly well designed, painted, or crafted. it’s not because i even like the painting. it’s not even because Ty gave it to me.
it’s because it reminds me of the love I have for him. it made me whole. and hanging it on the wall will remind me that i am deserving. of life. of love.
i may not be happy or at peace that he wasn’t able to return that love. but i am so blessed to have felt so deeply in my heart that it changed the core of me. that for once, above caring about my parents, friends, or even myself, i was able to put him first. nothing else mattered.
it’s a beautiful feeling. i hope everyone is able to feel that. i hope Ty will be able to love someone, whoever it may be.
but i’m glad.
i love him.
always will.
