Note: I’m going through a lot of random emotions right now, so what I may say right now or tomorrow or yesterday does not necessarily mean that’s how I always feel. Yes, I’m being a little psychotic, but you know what? Loving someone hurts when they don’t love you back. And if you’re offended by my posts, there’s a simple solution: stop reading it.
I just have to say… no, it’s not my inability to love. I think I gave him so much. I mean name anyone else who actually sent a card a week detailing 10 reason why you’re effing great. Can you? That’s some psychotic, I’m so deeply in love with you, type stuff. To toot my own horn, I’m pretty freakin’ great.
I’ve apologizes and compromised so much in this past relationship. Every time we “communicate”, I feel like it’s “this is who I am and this is how I’ve dealt with girls in the past.” Well, no I’m not going to feel guilty. This is who I am, and this is what I want. I’m through with you making me feel like I expect too much of you or me racking my brain for a solution, while you just sit there saying this isn’t going to work, I’m not who you’re looking for. And of all things to say… well I don’t mind you coming over last night but I can’t sleep when you’re here, so obviously I’m tired today and can’t go to your birthday thing. BULLSHIT! How dare you blame me for that? Apologies for trusting you and knowing you won’t judge me cuz I felt so shitty on Friday that I wanted to crash my car into the siderails while driving over. Apologies for leaning on you. What the eff? I don’t care if you have your own timeline… it’s not like I can change my time of birth to a date that’s more convenient for you.
And through all this crap we talked about on Saturday, and how I DO defend you, not ONCE did YOU say you’re sorry for not making it to my birthday!! Not ONCE, in fact, do I remember you saying sorry EVER. Maybe you’re just perfect, but from what I know of MOST people, during a seven months stint in a relationship, they do SOMETHING wrong… but I guess you didn’t cuz you’ve never apologized for ANYTHING.
And I felt so good that you bought me a dronkey? One gift? And some flowers? After SEVEN months? Can you even count with all your fingers and toes how much crap I’ve bought for you!?!?! HELLO!!!!!?
Sorry for being incoherent… it’s just that after so long, I’ve finally fallen out of my “in love” phase and am just very very pissed off. Yes, there were great things about the relationship, but I spent so much time writing off the bad stuff b/c every time I bring it up, Ty seemed to be like… well no solution, best to break it off then. And that threat worked… every single time. I didn’t even realized I was being played like that… I mean DAMN!! And the whole, “I want to be single for the moment.” For the moment? Really? Okay. Well I’m just going to sit on my ass and wait for you then. Oh, and take your time because I know how your timeline is different than everyone elses. I mean you’ve had over seven months to train me.
*sigh* I feel so much better now. Maybe he’s just being an ass lately b/c it’s easier to break it off with me. I don’t know. I don’t really care. Yes, we had a great relationship at times. He made me madly happy. He is sensitive and a whole list of things I tout about him all the time to him, to friends, and to parents. I’m just very pissed b/c I KNOW I deserve better, but I ditched my dignity and judgment because I love him soo soo much. And I didn’t get any of that in return. If it didn’t work for him, it didn’t work. And that’s really frustrating.
I’m glad I had this experience, and Seher’s right. I should only keep the good with me and think of him fondly as a great boyfriend, who was also the asshole who didn’t love me back. Thank him for the time and being completely open with me, and send him off. At least now I know he definitely (definitely) wasn’t the right person for me afterall. At least not right now. He’s not ready to give himself to anyone. So I’ll go on. Hate his new girlfriend, whenever he gets a new one, and just move on with life.
The next few week (or months) will suck royally, but I’m optimistic about the future. And yes, I just turned 23, but 23 IS young. And I’m excited to meet someone who appreciates every single inch of me, is capable of loving me, and never wants to let me go in ADDITION to being a great guy. I think that’s where Seher and I sometimes fall short. We get so wrapped up in finding a wonderful person that we forget, part of being that wonderfulness is their ability to appreciate ours.
Epiphany: I think finding love is like winning the prisoner’s dilemma. It effing sucks to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It sucks a little less if you both don’t take the risk and just both don’t love each other. The greatest result is if you both love each other, both trust each other, and get the greatest reward. But it’s often really hard to do that when you don’t know what the other person’s going to do. Interesting… maybe not 100% parallel analogy, i.e. I don’t think I “lost” per say in loving Ty and him not loving me back b/c I think I got more out of it than he did… I actually know what love is.
… and to cheer me up:
10 Reasons Thenny Makes a Fan-fucking-tastic Girlfriend:
1. I like action movies over romantic comedies, a nice steak over salad, and generally break a whole lot of those random stereotypes.
2. You’re allowed to hit on other girls as long as I’m there and can join in.
3. I have more lingerie than most stores… but it doesn’t matter b/c 90% of the time, I just walk around naked.
4. In conjunction with #3, I have a higher sex drive than most men… (sorry, no pic 
P)
5. In conjunction with #4, there are a whole host of things I still want to try… (sorry, no pic either P)
6. I believe in equality, so no more paying for every meal and every movie ticket. Plus, I throw in nice things like CDs for your new car, etc.
7. I do have “stereotypical” girl tendencies, like I want to hold hands, I get randomly jealous, etc., but I’m also believe in logic and in more cases than not, at the end of the day I’ll take your side over others’. Although I wholeheartedly believe these and these guidelines are true, I also believe that if you give me what I want (your love and affection), they wouldn’t happen.
8. I’m perfectly content just sitting there watching you play video games, as long as it’s an interesting game. (Although if you can play just as well, while I “entertain” you, even better! *devious smile*)
9. If you ask for help and don’t abuse the privilege, I’ll always be there for you.
10. I have boobs. Of fat. Not silicon. Or water. Or gel inserts.
