Maybe i never really loved Ty. Instead it’s just a reflection of myself that I see, and that’s basically the only person in the world I really care about. Maybe I’m just that selfish and horrible, and I’m going to rot alone until my cholestrol clogged arteries finally give in.
Why else would I be such a bitch to him? To say the things that I do and lash out the way that I do. If I really cared for him, I wouldn’t do that. I would take every blow in silence and not worry about the stupid little things like birthdays and gifts and spending time even. As long as I know he cares about me, does it really matter that any of those other things exist? I should be just content with that. Instead, I’m here. Having pushed him so far that he’s running in the other direction (probably holdin a sign that says, “I wouldn’t go that way if I were you”). For once I should ask what I want… I should just ask what he wants. If there’s anything from me that he wants anymore, which there probably isn’t.
I don’t want friends to console me or go through the niceties of “You’ll be okay” and “You deserve better.” Really? I don’t. I don’t deserve anything at all. I deserve to be miserable because I just caused another person so much pain. I need to stop using the I word for once in my selfish, egotistical life. I’m sure this isn’t the first time Ty’s been hurt or had to deal with some random, psychotic bitch. Hopefully, he’s forget all about me and just move on to someone who can give him what he needs and won’t push for what he isn’t. He deserves that. And more. He deserves someone so amazing that if this were a movie, birds would start chirping as soon as she walked by. An angelic glow would linger around her all the time. Her beauty would be breathtaking, but she’d forsake anyone and brush them off without a glance because Ty is in her life. Someone who can understand and make the sacrifices so that Ty can get his stuff done. She won’t push him or stress him out. She’ll understand that he makes his decisions carefully and calculated. That he works on his own timeline, which may not be the one usually suspected but yields a fruit that definitely worth waiting for. And as careful as he is with money and planning the future, he’s always willing to dote on her and spoile her. She should be grateful for that. She should be observant and graceful. Very calm and well put together. No random outbursts and confidence issues. No guilt trips. A sarcasm to kill a cat but a gentleness that could woe a baby in an instant. She’ll be absolutely perfect for him. Just as Ty is to me. And he should settle for anything less.
I’m not that person. In fact, if you know me at all, I’m probably the stinking opposite of that angel. But I guess if there’s on decent thing left Icould do, it would be to let him go, stop bothering him, and just let him be until he’s ready for someone wonderful in his life.
Me? (We’re back to me again.) I’ll just go die or something. It doesn’t matter. I’m simply a blip on the radar. Not the main character of this sordid story anyways. So who cares? No one really gives a flying flip what happens to the ugly sisters in Cinderella or the kitchen maid in Sleeping Beauty or the murderess hunter who left Snow White go in Snow White. So let me be. Let me cry. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll be here with my dronkey and my baby, and we’ll be a happy family.
