to men
to people
to myself
to just everything
I’m so frustrated with myself and with him right now. Yes, I understand that there isn’t a standard for how one must act in order to care or love someone. But! most people around me seem to agree that there is a certain set of behaviours. Rationally I don’t think I can sit down and come up with an action list; it just exists. I can’t seem to win the argument that when you truly care about someone or even love them, you wouldn’t… I don’t even know. I understand that wanting him to be at my birthday to celebrate it is very selfish, but isn’t that what birthdays are about? That one day in the year, when you can justifiably be selfish and get what you want and make people do what you want? I didn’t even go there. I told people I don’t want presents. Of course, it would be nice to get gifts, but I just want to spend my weekend with the people I care about. I don’t mind buying expensive ass champagne and doing whatever the concensus is at the time. I don’t care that I didn’t eat cake or there was no blowing out of candles or wild wild partying. Really, just want people to be there and maybe drink with me a little or at least eat or whatever! And it really does show how much you care about the person, when you DON’T SHOW UP! Yes, there are extenuating circumstances. No, being tired and not sleeping isn’t one of them. Apologies for bugging you and ruining your schedule, even though you said so sweetly that you don’t mind. But YES, DAMN IT! I will want you to come the next day and not blame me coming over and you not getting enough sleep.
I may want to celebrate Valentine’s Day because it’s cute and I’ve never done it before until this year. It would be nice to go on vacation with you and just wish there was an environment where you didn’t have to worry and everything just fell into place for you. Seeing you on weekends, every weekend is absolutely fantastic. I’m sorry if that requires sacrifices on your part, but it does mine too. I don’t get what I need to do done, but I don’t care because they work out at the end of the day, and as long as I get to spend time with you, nothing could really be better. The most important of all those days in the year is my birthday!! I know that sounds egotiscal and narcissistic. It’s quite simply the truth. And I don’t expect an elaborate birthday like I did in college. I just want you to BE THERE. That’s it! I mean how freakin’ simple is that?
I think it’s so incredibly sweet that you broke up because you don’t want me to take an unnecessary chance. I’m still so confused about it that I don’t know what to think of the situation. But that huge gesture on your part made me love you just that much more. I love that you research the dronkey and got me one, even when I was whinning about it all that time. I love love love that I finally have someone in my life that I feel like I can genuinely count on and will think the best for me. Not indulge me like some of my friends or want to scale it down like others. You’re just there. I’m not really sure how many people have that in their lives, but if they do, they’re effing lucky. And I love that I’m one of them.
I understand that you aren’t necessarily ready. You may or may not see it, but I see that you’re emotionally and psychologically not ready as much as you’re not ready in any other sense. It sucks. It hurts. I hate it. But I can’t birng myself to hate you or get over you. This last week has been a series of numb days and crying moments. My coworkers probably think I’m retarded because my reflexes are even worse than usual, and I can’t seem to follow a conversation to save my life. I’m not really sure how to convey to you exactly how much I love you. When I say I love you so much that it hurts or I can imagine us being together until the end of time, it freaks you out. I don’t know how else to put it. I feel like I’ll never be whole again? I guess I can get more and more of me back over time, and I promise that I won’t let me scars affect the next relationship. But I’ll never heal from this. I’ll always love you, and every time I see you, a mix of nostalgia, tears, and eternal sadness will automatically surface. That’s why I was all of a sudden a bitch on im the other day. I just wanted to cry because I was so blithe and happy talking to you. I always want to take away your responsibilites and to do lists, and somehow make them vanish. When you told me about overtime in August, I wanted to make you sandwiches and healthy meals, even though it would take 2 hours to deliver it, and you’d probably prefer to just pick something up. I want to hold you, protect you, shield you from all the negative stuff in life. People that piss you off, piss me off.
And I hate that I might become one of them. I’m just at a loss.
