Have you ever felt that it would be unfathomable to not that one particular person in your life? That maybe you’ve only met a year, 6 months, or even a day ago, but life before must have been horrid in comparison. Logically, your mind tells you that you will eventually heal, at some point meet someone else who gently eases into your heart, and one day you will feel stronger and more whole because of this experience. Emotionally, you want to ball like a baby and creep out all your coworkers.
I’m not sure how to handle it. I could image spending the rest of my life lovingly living in his presence. Waking up to his adorable button nose and slipping into his arms at the day’s end. We had finally gotten to the point, where I was comfortable and trusting in the relationship enough to let my mind wander and wonder what it’s like to get married someday, to spend time with him strolling the beaches of Sydney, or making a 5 course meal for his closest friends. But in that fleeting moment, life throws a curve ball, and everything is lost.
Today, I float in purgatory, not knowing whether to end us or to keep working at it. What’s worse is not knowing which will yield the better result. Tears gather in my head, waiting its anxious release, not knowing if it will be rainbows of happiness or muted clouds of suffering. I’m all loopy all day long. I can’t seem to get excited about having a mural artist paint my wall or my looming birthday the next week. I just want to spend all weekend in bed with Neeko (I finally named the dronkey for Nike, the Greek Goddess of Victory, except the pronounciation is off… I don’t want my baby to be confused with a shoe) because its the only thing I have left to hold on to.
Muralist just rescheduled. What will I do this weekend?
Neeko? Yes.
No.
