My schedules been absolutely crazy lately. There is nothing completely huge that I’m working on that is taking up all my time, but some little thing here, some projects there, and I find myself with a packed schedule all the time. The funny thing is that I don’t feel like I’m doing that much social activities, going out, etc. I don’t have that many close friends in the city or elsewhere. My coworkers and great, I’m seeing Seher and Oscar less, I feel like Ty and I are ty-ied at the hip during all free time, but I don’t have non-work related friends. It’s kinda sad.
I also think that Ty needs some breathing room because I get the distinct impression that as much as he cares about me, he really just wants some time to relax. I, on the other hand, want to do things all the time. Sure, there’s nothing better than spending a Saturday night in bed, watching a movie, but I also want to go to see movies, festivals, just walk around the freakin’ park or whatever. It sucks that our goals aren’t really aligned in that way. Not just that, but I want to spend some money just enjoying myself and on stupid little things, and he seems to be the opposite. For the most part, he lives a rather austere life with some ocassional big purchases. I want to travel and go back to Europe, Southeast Asia, and anywhere else I could possibly afford to go, but he has his sights on a bike, a house, and finding a career that he loves. Both choices are perfectly legitimate, but I’m starting to wonder, if after all the work we both put in to make this work, our final goals just aren’t the same. That thought is so infuriating. I mean finding just a guy who’s great and likes you back can be such a huge accomplishment. Now our future goals have to work? Ick. We’re so impossibly different that sometimes I just don’t know what to do.
Besides, there are all these people around me getting married, engaged, or just rather happy in their coupledom. Seher is right in saying that every couple has their pace, but it’s been seven months… if this isn’t heading towards serious, long term something or other, then that’s the point?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the one with the neuroses, who can never be pleased. But the truth is everything I want is pretty much typical and to be expected. Yes, I want to go on vacation with him and just him. Yes, I want to have days every once in a while, where nothing exists, and schedules don’t have to be coordinated. I want to have a day with Ty like I did with Oscar, where we just drove along the coast, hung out at the beach, talked, listened to music, and didn’t care what time it was because we had the whole day together. It’s understandable that the situation is starkly different, and Ty does have a schedule and a life outside of me that he has to tend to. I’m just want to feel like for once, I’m all that matters. *poop*
Anyway, I don’t feel like talking about anything intellectual or philosophical at the moment. Just in the mood to whine and bitch and wish I had someone in my life to coddle me. To give in to my emotional side, forget about logic, and everything else. I just want to live. My to do list is seriously starting to wear on me. I don’t mind it, of course. In fact, I thrive on it cuz having to keep it all in my head would overwhelm me to a point of a breakdown. Blah!…
