I’m importing over all the posts from myspace because it used to do me just fine, but if people are going to spam me anyways, I might as well put myself out there.
So here are all the posts… copy and pasted because wordpress won’t let me import…
I can’t stop touching it!
so I am actually writing this entry on my iPhone which is totally wicked. The only down side is that I can’t use java script on this phone so I have to use a plain text editor and put in all the hl myself. No, that is not happening and I am still getting used to this keyboard. I think the trick is to trust the text predictor because most of the time is works really well. The only comment I have aalgainat it is that is types a lot slower than I foo so it will miss letters
Going to dinner with Seher and michelle, will add more later, ciao!
19:32 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
i’m so in love, i want to just melt and go to heaven!!
Current mood: surprised
Ahhh… when our admin emailed me today and mentioned that I had a package by her desk, I thought surely it’s the Urban stuff I bought (I’m addicted to their website). But when I ripped open the box, it was my true love…
yes… the iPhone 
)
Actually, I didn’t expect it to get here so soon cuz I just ordered it about 3 days ago, which makes me very pissed that the whole Apple iPhone shortage during opening day was completely artificial. But that is to be expected, so whatever. It’s a nifty little gadget.
… besides, my man is way better… and has more functions under his belt )
… back to work.
14:29 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
July 2, 2007 – Monday
synopsis
Current mood: crazy
person meets person through friends
person and person become friends
friends are forced to work out problems
friends become better friends
better friends start having their own interests
better friends try to keep in touch
how long do better friends remain friends?
how long do friends remain friends?
how long before person and person fork?
13:32 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 28, 2007 – Thursday
*sigh*
boo, myspace dying… now i actually have to port everything over to another blog…
22:12 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
This is excessive….
Current mood: rushed
So this guy, Robert Scoble, who is a prominent blogger in the tech industry, is waiting outside of the Apple Store in Palo Alto since 11am in order to get his hands on the iPhone coming out tomorrow. He wrote an entry asking any PR professionals to feel free to come up with him, pitch, bring coffee, etc. He’s prominent enough that a thumbs up from him would make a lot of execs and CEOs jump for oh-joy. Supposedly, in the last three hours or so, he’s already been pitched by about 8-9 PR people.
It’s interesting how all these e-leberties are popping up, and they have such a strong influence that people are dropping whatever else they’re doing in order to go and talk to this guy. Anyway, life is busy. I’m a-bitchy. This is a short update. Cheers,
14:01 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 27, 2007 – Wednesday
frustration and dilemmas
Current mood: angry
I’ve always pined for a small niche group fo exclusive friends that I could call my own. To party with them, to talk, to drink, and to have my urban family. However, recently, as I’ve started to move towards that, I’ve discovered several down sides. I still love these friends; please don’t get me wrong, but I’m just frustrated, so I want to vent.
I’ve always tried to be there for people. Whether it’s being there for them or giving them space when they need it, and understanding that sometimes they just don’t call back because they’re going through their own stuff. However, now that I’m in hermit mode and don’t want to be reached, somehow that’s a problem. My friends start worrying. Yes, it’s understandable and even sweet that they would care about me enough to text me and ask me if I’m okay. On the downside, why am I supposed to be available at all times to chat and pick up the phone, when the other person doesn’t? That’s just slightly hypocritical… I want to have friends and be social and go out, but my life just isn’t at a place where I’m able to do so.
Yes, technically I do have time to hang out, but no, I don’t want to. I want to sit at home and unwind after a long day. To walk around the lake and start exercising. To just veg out and figure out what things I have to do with my life. And it’s especially not fair when one of your friends tells me that she’s trying to figure out the level of co-dependence we should have, but then, makes me feel like I should always consider her. I should always be there when she calls or texts, but she’s not 100% there when I do. All of a sudden, if I don’t feel like picking up, she thinks there’s something wrong? No, there’s nothing wrong. Yes, there was something wrong when I was calling you on the phone crying, and yes, I said I forgive you for it. BUT that kind of shows how important I am in your mind. I’m not saying she means that. Clearly, she doesn’t, but I certainly feel that way, and it’s so annoying and frustrating. Please don’t expect me to remember YOUR schedule, when you can’t even remember to call me back after I called you BALLING my eyes out on the phone. I feel like I’m sinking, and instead of having friends there to support me and just give me some space, I feel like they’re adding on to the list.
And it just sucks. Especially since I’ve been patient and taking hits b/c other friends have been dropping the ball. Not me (although I have my fair moments). OTHER PEOPLE. And if you don’t tolerate my attitude, then certainly don’t give me yours, especially for something I didn’t do.
13:11 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 25, 2007 – Monday
could a weekend be more perfect?
Current mood: crazy
There’s absolutely so much to write about what happened this weekend that I’m actually staying after work to delve into the specifics.
Emilie arrived on Thursday afternoon. I’m not exactly sure when she got into Oakland, but her flight was supposed to arrive at 3pm. At the same time that day, I volunteered with about 10-15 of my fellow co-workers at Glide. It’s an organization that first started in San Francisco’s Tenderloin. The woman, who went through orientation, gave a brief history. She was wearing an adorable dress and a much better story teller than me. I’d suggestion going to their website.
SHIFT was responsible for helping serve the evening meal for those who need it. Some of the clients are homeless, some are making their way up and simply can’t afford to spend their earnings on food, and some are senior citizens, who can’t cook and/or enjoy the company. I ended up moving trays along the assembly line, cleaning up, taking finished trays, refilling water and coffee, and generally being grateful for having the opportunity to feel useful. It wasn’t a humbling experience as much as it made me feel so good for helping out; again, there’s always a selfish twist.
I had a lot of fun, but unfortunately the schedule conflict meant that Emilie was already in downtown San Francisco and meandering around Union Square when I finally emerged from the kitchen in the basement. I finally met up with Emilie, and we ended up talking for such a long time. We walked to SOMA by SFMOMA, and sat across the street on the stone steps protruding from the manicured grass and listened to the some hum of the man made waterfall. (how poetic… *sarcasm*) Then, we went to the MOMA store, where I bought Moleskin watercolor notebook. I didn’t really need to spend the extra money buying Moleskin, but I have run out of watercolor sheets.
We went back to Oakland, ate at an adorable Ethiopian place, and went back to my place to have a couple of beers. Obviously a lot of talking. The next day, I went to work, and Emilie ended up walking from 24th and Mission all the way to the Financial District to have lunch with me. In the afternoon, she climbed up to Coit Tower, went to Fisherman’s Wharf, hit up North Beach, and circled back to meet me at 5pm.
Friday night was spent shopping at H&M, eating tons of food with Oscar at Houston’s (a steakhouse down Embarcadero), hanging out at Coit Tower, driving down the avenues, and then exploring 1 until Emilie fell asleep in the car. She was so adorable. I was so high (on life of course *-^).
Hmm…Let’s see… Saturday…
I will have to just list things now and elaborate later… Must get home before boo comes and clean!!
So.. Sat: Got up; had a delicious brunch with LP and her boyfriend at La Note in Berkeley; went shopping down Telegraph; got a discount on everything but a $6 silver ring (booooo– although I realized that I was being really confident and social, and it was just natural to me, which is amazing); drove down college with Emilie and found the Albo African store that has the CDs I want to get; visited Ty and watched him help K put some 22-inch rims back on his car cuz he had cracked it when hitting a pot hole; went to Michelle’s house warming, which I found out was in Santana Row (sooo nice… omg! *note to self: elaborate this event- michelle’s decor, tv, justin and emilie, poker, ty-cuteness*); went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 with Ty and M; drove home really late because Kerry was being silly and there wasn’t enough room on the bed for all of us.
Sunday: woke up at 11am or so; ate breakfast of pita and cheese outside; BARTed to the financial district; ate some more and ended up missing the tail end of the Pride Parade; walked to 6th and Market but stopped half a dozen times for this or that (funny story: I bought 4 spoon with the ends twisted so you can hang it off a chain— I’m making 2 pairs of earrings. They were supposed to be $5 each, which is $20 for all four. I bargained it down to $15. Then, I only found $13 in my purse and I didn’t feel like breaking a 20, so I asked this guy if it’s okay, and he basically said, “If I didn’t have to eat, sweetheart, I would give them to you for free.” What salesman says that? Anyway, I got the four for $3.25 each instead of $5… that’s pretty good); met Jamie at the “Super Secret Adult Sex Store” or something like that; went to the Civic Center and had a ball walking around and seeing all the booths; ate a Sponge Bob Square Pants popsicle and half a Hawaiian kebob thing; got “spray painted” (it lasts 3-6 days, supposedly); walked a long time; bought a polaroid camera that I LOVE LOVE LOVE; bought two dresses and some other accessories from the Urban sale; took BART back; got Chinese food delivered to the bar next door and just hung out there for Emilie until the sun went down; went back to my apartment and hung out; reminisced through my freshman year scrapbook; and went to sleep.
I drove her to the train station this morning at around 7am. *sniffle* I had a great time though.
So more updates later… still a million things going on in my life, and I’m too lazy to catch up to any of it! P
AT&T’s $10 Deal what NO ONE knows about
Supposedly the FCC forced AT&T to offer a $10/month deal for first time customers. I’m not entirely sure what the details are, suffice to say that AT&T may offer it, but they don’t have to market it– which they haven’t.
The principal of my company recently wrote a blog suggesting that we pass this deal along and force AT&T to offer such a service more readily. Afterall, they just bought Cingular, are trying to pawn off some partner digital cable service to match Comcast’s product line-up (they’re not much better either), and for the most part are not offering the most efficient bang for the buck. Scale is one of the reasons the FCC allowed AT&T to grow so big, so let’s test how great they are.
Yes, this is a bit of a chain letter, but definitely feel free to pass it along. It’s not about you, me, or the next guy. It’s about us, ‘ittle ones, teaming together to bring an out of control monster to it’s knees… and service us.
Cheers, and have a good weekend! (I haven’t set up my internet at home yet, still a huge list of things to do, so no updating over Sat and Sunday *tear*)
16:50 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 19, 2007 – Tuesday
so… that horrific dream…
Current mood: confused
I’m not going to get all Freudian and start to analyze why my subconscious is deciding to feed poison into my happy emotions. Instead, I’m just going to try and recall in as much detail as possible, what the eff happened in my dream.
The funny thing about dreams is that I usually don’t remember them at all. The details are fleeting at best, and most of the time I just get left with an emotion. (Although one night in college I dreamed very vividly my parents being brutally murdered. Suffice to say I was pretty much a walking zombie for a good two days, and definitely afraid of falling asleep the night following. — I, surprisingly, still remember almost every detail of that dream… and it’s a little too gorey to describe…) I seem to have more lucid dreams than actually remembering what my dreams were about.
This morning, however, I was woken up tres distraught. I had a good night last night. I hung out with Shawn. We discussed the details of the amazing website we’re going to build together; trust me, it’s going to so user-friendly, classic, yet chic. He left. I went outside to drink a Corona and smoke. Went to bed. Here’s the dream:
For some reason I think Seher was having a soirre of some sort. She had me over with a bunch of friends, and sorry for the non-detail, but somehow, it was painfully obvious that I liked this guy. I think he was the classic foreign guy with a sleek jawline, crystal- mediterranean eyes, and long flowy hair. It was never made clear to me whether or not he actually liked me back, but he seemed very distant and we never really got a chance to hang out. The strongest emotion, though, was of Seher treating me like any other loosely acquainted friend. I felt so betrayed and left behind. And because everyone knew I liked this mystery guy, I felt attacked, embarassed, and utterly unable to defend myself.
I guess my brain had suffered enough at that point. So the dream all of a sudden alters. I think I just got pissed off and went home. There, I met Ty, and he was with friends. I wasn’t in the mood to be super friendly and didn’t have the emotional energy to make an effort. Basically, I was a pain to be around. Instead of being supportive, he ended up hanging out outside or something. I went inside this random house to shower. It’s reminiscent of the impressionism in What Dreams May Come. As I walked through the hallway, I saw through the window that he was hanging around a girl, and no just any girl, but Meagan Good. Yeah, I’m sure you’re all thinking it, a COMPLETE lose-lose situation for me. Very strange, but I was actually taking my socks off at the time, so I magically appeared outside (as you can in dreams), and brushed my socks up against her as a way of getting her attention. Of course she’s a completely nice, sweet, and well-mannered girl. I try to reciprocate, but obviously, I’m just not up to par and my emotions are keeping me from being anything other than annoying and rude. At this point, Ty becomes protective over her and asks me why I would do that in a very irritated tone. Even then, I knew from a rational point of view that he was right, but I was so frustrated and annoyed and so sad that he was basically ignoring me, that I didn’t care. So I went back inside, now having been shunned by the boy. Watching from the window, I now see Ty and Meagan Good playing basketball. Of course the little bia… was pretending to miss hoops and throw complete airballs. I was just so pissed that I curled up in what was supposedly my room and just cried. For some reason, I was also feeling guilty… I think for not being good enough or… something… A little later, I get a text from Ty explaining that they were just being friendly, and I shouldn’t be worried… except it was a video text message, and instead of the original basketball hoop, there were fields upon fields of roses. They were playing basketball next to the field, and the ball kept going in. And there were all these random close-ups of red roses, and I was like, “What the eff? Why is Ty sending me a video text message with all these close-ups of rose fields?”
And then I woke up. And I felt so strongly, that I couldn’t rationalize that Ty was really a sweet guy, and he came over on Sunday night even though he didn’t have to. And he was so sweet on the phone. My dream affected me so much that anything the real life Ty had done no longer mattered. So clearly, my entire day has been wasted. I literally did nothing today. I didn’t do my errands or any work. And I have no idea why I had that dream. I just felt heart-wrenchingly hurt, betrayed, vunerable, depressed, and sad when I woke up… with no idea as to why the eff my subconscious was sending me this message. Am I picking up something sub-consciously that I don’t realize? Am I going to be betrayed or forgotten or left by Seher and/or Ty? Do I need to stop feeling like I don’t deserve them, or that they don’t deserve me? But I don’t feel that way. So why would I dream that I was feeling so emotional both in terms of anger and sadless, and Seher & Ty were just nonchalant? I’m so confused…
And I’m still confused, and I dreamed about this like 10 hours ago. And I’m still dazed too. *ick* errr?
16:36 – 0 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Reminder to self… it’s all about packaging…
http://www.thecoolhunter.net/design/The-Power-of-The-Box—Powerful-Packaging-Design/
14:13 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Randomness and a half… plus spooky dream
Current mood: busy
Randomness list:
1. I’m sure that I’m 400 years too late, but I just saw this YouTube video (from this entry)… and it’s hilarious… ). It seems especially apropos in light of the iPhone release in a week an’ a half or so…
2. Words and entries cannot describe how much I love this website…it’s been on my IE7 favorites for quite a while now, but I just visited today. The design elements are crazy fun, and being the faux artiste and crazy spending maniac that I am…
3. I can’t decide if these people are just geeky or have too much money to spend…
That is a “Danger Bomb Clock” that will explode and require you to figure out how to unhook it every freakin’ morning… isn’t that a pleasant way to wake up *dripping with sarcasm*
4. I finally took pictures of my new place, and here they are: (distribution for stalking purposes is not allowed P)
Spooky dream to come after lunch!
09:04 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 18, 2007 – Monday
My cell sucks, so I’m resigning myself to get the new iPhone… at least that’s what I’m trying
Current mood: rejuvenated
to tell myself. Obviously, it isn’t working so well…
Hugely busy, and no time to update, but I wanted to stop by with this interesting letter. You’d figure that once articles have been published about a scam, people would be smart enough not to try it anymore… I guess not. Interesting fact: a letter from a British gentleman uses a Spanish emailing program? How often does that really happen? I do enjoy people’s creativity though…
“Mr. Neil Hooper
“Private Bankers
“London
“Dearest,
“I got your contact on my search for a reliable and trustworthy person with whom I can share an urgent business thought. The contents of this mail may sound strange; however, I want to assure you that every word of it is true. I am Mr. Neil Hooper, the former credit officer of one of the leading British based private investment banks. I have a concealed business suggestion for you, if it meets your favor.
“Before the plane crash that killed Mrs. Dimka Ilkova Boskovic on February 26, 2004; Dimka Ilkova Boskovic of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Republic of Macedonia and also a business woman, made a fixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of Nine Million Eight Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only, in my bank. My appointment at the bank was terminated when I disclosed to the British Treasury Department officials, who were on routine inspection of my banks record, that the above funds have been dormant for the past two years and should be declared as unclaimed funds. Before this incidence, the board of directors of my bank adopted a resolution mandating me, as the account officer to Mrs.Dimka Ilkova Boskovic, to contact her next of kin so that her funds can be transferred to them. I was unable to get any of her next of kin because Mrs. Dimka Ilkova Boskovic did not declare any next of kin in all her official account documents which includes the deposit slip. And she also confided in me that no one except me knew of the deposit in my bank. This has made it impossible to locate or appoint any of her relation as next of Kin. Now the sum of Nine Million, Eight Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in the bank vault and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that the bank directors, will in the next one month invoke the abandoned property acts of 1991 to confiscate and declare the funds ‘unclaimed’ after the expiration of the mandatory period which will soon come to pass.
“Despairing at the point of exhaustiveness, I was fortunate to come across your name in my search for someone to confide in. My proposal is that you stand as the next of kin to Mrs. Dimka Ilkova Boskovic while I provide you with all the necessary documents and information that will enable you put in a successful application. Once you contact the bank as the next of kin and submit the documents that I will make available, the Bank shall then make payment of the funds to you. This will stop these evil directors from confiscating the funds. With the documents and information relating to the funds which I now have at my disposal, with the help of my friend in the bank, nothing will ever stop you from succeeding in claiming this deposit in the next two weeks if we apply with your name.
“All we require to succeed is your honest cooperation, trust and assurance that you will not cheat me out of the deposit when payment is made to you. The application will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and me, from any breach of the law. Be Inform also, that we shall share the funds in the ratio 70% for me and 25% for you, while 5% should be for expenses and tax as I understand you may need to pay taxes on the funds when it gets to your country.
“Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. I will disclose more information to you as soon as you signify your interest. Your earliest response to this letter via my private email address (neilhooper@123mail.cl ) will be appreciated.
“Kind regards,
“Mr. Neil Hooper.”
14:13 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 14, 2007 – Thursday
New home= new stuff!
With the myriad of random books, pots, and just crap still littering my living room, my mind has already started to wonder, “What the eff am I going to do with all this space?”
If you can use your imagination for a minute, I have a bedroom that’s big enough to fit my full size low bed (Ikea, of course), in birch- read: light wood color, along with a coffee table, two full clothes cabinets, and 4 panels of mirrors (for dressing… it’s not positioned right for “freaky”). That’s not including the 4 by 6 feet, or so I think, I’m bad with guesstimating, of empty space when I walk in the room. Did I mention I have two walk in closets?
For those people who haven’t stopped reading in order to plot a gruesome death for my spoiled butt, here’s the dilema: I have no furniture. My bedroom is like a haven onto itself with the perfect positioning to eat, sleep, and entertain. The colors are ivory, soft, yet brilliant green, and muted/grundgy yellow and orange. Whoo-hoo, but the first thing people see when they walk in is inevitably my living room. True, as of now, they’d probably run the other direction with all the boxes, new home things “I must have”, and what seems to be hundreds of thousands of books. After that’s all cleared up though (which is this weekend because Emilie is coming next week, and I don’t want her to fly right back to New York when she sees the state of my apartment), this is literally all that will be in the living room: a couch, a coffee table, and 3 lamps. Sad, I know. Especially considering that I have a small Ikea couch (just so you know, everything in my house is Ikea: it’s cheap, it’s small, it’s easy to move, and I’m a single girl her twenties… a no brainer) and my living would comfortably fit about 4 of them without looking the least bit crowded… *sigh*
So… here are my options: I could somehow start not eating food, driving my car, or doing anything other than get to work, work, and go home to save up for the new Samsung 70-inch LCD TV that’s coming out the latter half of the year.
I could get some really really cool graphic artist in the bay to decorate my wall with graphic art for a minimal fee of “I have no money” and “here’s my soul”…. I so wish I could afford Miss Van… *drool*
Or I could just buy a relatively big tv, like 40- 50 inches, mount it in the living room, slap a couch and coffee table next to it, and use the other 1/2 to 2/3 of the room for an art studio. I have plenty of cloths for draping, a canvas to put on the floor and catch all the random bits of media, and all I need is an easel. In fact, I learned from some random home decor magazine at some point that I could put a painting on the easel to showcase my art collection and remove it when I’m actually working. The corners could be filled with books, which will be a nice touch to the whole “I am an artiste” feel.
But that will still run me about $100 for a great easle, $1,500 for the 40-inch (teeheeehee), and I don’t even want to say how much for the art piece…
Sony Bravia XBR LCD KDL-V40XBR1 television, except instead of 1.5k, it’s more like 5… *tear*
The last option is to ninja some rich person and steal all their moneys, so that I can buy whatever I want…
Thankfully, the dining room, kitchen, hall way closet, shoe closet (a.k.a. the linen closet), and the bathroom are all set. Each have their distinct color schemes, and I promise to post pictures once my lazy butt gets around to cleaning the place.
That’s it for now… I’m still working on my SHIFT corporate blog entry (my very first!). I thought it would be entertaining to include lots of links (adding a second layer of interpretation and my famous dry wit) and keep the speed going, but all I’ve gotten it “not half bad” and a “little frenetic”. *sigh* I guess you can’t please everyone. Hopefully, KC is being totally honest when he says he loves it because I truly value his opinion. Truth be told, I think some of the past entries have sounded a little soap box-ish and somewhat stale. That’s just my opinion though, and I’m sure my writing style is definitely not everyone’s (or most people’s) cup of tea.
Off to lunch it is!
09:43 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 11, 2007 – Monday
Yay, I’m finally finished moving
Current mood: groggy
So the move is finally complete. A couple more boxes and bags (okay maybe a roomful) to unpack, and I’ll be all settled in. Of course this place is huge, so I might have to add to my furniture collection, but it shouldn’t be anything too major. I’m entirely exhausted, so at some point I will remember to take pictures and post them up. Silly me. Knowing that I’d be busy with move in, for some reason I thought it’d be a brilliant idea to schedule all my deadlines this week, which means I’ll be totally and completely dead by the end. And I absolutely must finish unpacking this week, since Emilie will be visiting.
I haven’t seen her since last Labor Day, when I went back to Philly. I can’t wait to catch up with her and find out about the new boyfriend. I guess the only down part is with Nipples going home this week, Emilie coming the next, I’m maybe going to New York and home to Houston, having the whole birthday thing, trying to go down to L.A. to visit my soon to be famous friend Rob, Julija coming up in August, I’m going back to Philly for Labor Day, and who knows what else, I feel like I’m never going to be able to have a quiet weekend to Nipples to just be couply.
If you know me and have read my blog, you will know that I love working at the company I’m with. However, I’m a bit miffed that because of our reputation and more prominent client roster, we’re now in business casual dress instead of casual. I guess that would be okay and I’m elated that SHIFT is finally getting the attention and clients we deserve, except that there’s no air conditioning in our building. Firstly, I don’t like sweating at work, and I’m a huge sweater (and I don’t mean the thing made of yarn you wear in the winter when it’s cold). Secondly, why would I want to ruin my nice business clothes by sweating in them? Thirdly, would you rather have more casual workers than disheveled, smelly ones? Thankfully, being Asian, I don’t really smell, but I imagine any room of overheated people will cause some rather unpleasant odor regardless of race. So I’m definitely not happy about this new policy.
In any case, no multimedia elements today, unfortunately. Apologies for not putting much effort into my blogs or anything else right now. Post San Diego Jany has been concentrating on keeping her job and her sanity, so there hasn’t been much focus on making sure I’m not pissing people off or down right ignoring them.
It’s almost 4pm, and I want to get out of here, even if I really have no where to go. Anything that takes thinking and doesn’t involve a bed is basically out. So back to work ).
Thenny after college, Chapter 2
Current mood: happy
I really feel like I’m starting a new phase in my life. Last year, I moved all the way to the West Coast after college, even though I only knew 2.5 people here: Seher, Rohini, and Michelle (who’s Seher’s friend and we had talked on the phone like once but never met). From there, I somehow wound up at this great company, SHIFT Communications, with a handful of great friends, co-workers who actually want to hang out on the weekends, a possibly blooming business prospect, a new apartment, and a wonderful, indescribably scrumptuous boyfriend. With the formal move to Oakland tomorrow, I feel like I’ve finished the transformation from a wide-eyed girl, who wanted to shed all hints of nerdism during college, to a somewhat mature, somehow not jaded, and mostly mentally stable woman. It’s kinda nice.
Anyways… gratuitous pictures of baby and not-so-baby animals:
15:07 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 6, 2007 – Wednesday
a whole bunch of randomness
Current mood: chipper
so much time and so little to do…. wait, reverse that:
1. I uploaded lots of pictures into my photobucket thing today… it’s just a good way to keep track of photos because usually I’m too lazy, and I’ll just do a direct link. The problem with that is once the “mysterious” person takes the picture off their server, my linked photo on my blogs, etc. now become a big honking X. For instance, these pictures are one of my favorite artists, a market picture that looks almost similar to the one that will go in my kitchen (except my real life photo costs me… well let’s say a few more of those and I might as well get an iphone and they’re spices not produce), and sheep (teeheeeheee) respectively:
2. Urban is having a sale… I’m so sad that I’m no longeg in Philly and able to truly enjoy the sale because the Philly stores have some serious sales… I mean $7.50 for sheets? That’s cheaper then Walmart, yet prettier 
3. This girl is cute:
Have to run to tutoring… more stuff later…
16:42 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 5, 2007 – Tuesday
sick
Current mood: calm
i think i just needed some time to relax. i feel like i’ve been on “on” mode for quite a while now, and i was just itching for a break down. sometimes it just feels like i’m alone in all of this but i know that i have people to support me, which has made this so much more bearable than my other lil depressive episodes. hopefully, i’ll just learn to deal with them. i guess i just need to be coddled sometimes, which is hard to express, since most of my friends are nice and logical .
i’m not sure i’m quite up to going back to 100% Jany mode just yet, but i’m ready to ease back into things, which is good because my to do list hasn’t gotten much shorter just because i’ve broken down in the last few days. time for bed and sweet dreams of my sweet man.
21:17 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 4, 2007 – Monday
some silly survey
Is sex best morning afternoon or night?
morning
What side of the bed do you sleep on?
All of itor on the left
Pork, Beef, or Chicken?
chicken
Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
no
Candles or Incense?
candles
Did you play doctor when you were little?
no
Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
nope
Stove top cooking or microwave?
cooking
Shower or bath?
shower
Do you pee in the shower?
? why…
Mexican or Chinese food?
mexicannnn food
Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
aggressive
Do you love someone on your top friends?
yes
Do you own sex toys?
yes but I’m confused why if the rabbit was the end all, be all, other animals started to come out, i.e. the dolphin?
Corn Dogs or Hot Dogs?
hot dogs
Your favorite restaurant?
hmm… striped bass?
What did you have for lunch today?
still haven’t had time… (updated: greasy chinese food… hey at least in cali, it’s pretty darn authentic)
Which do you prefer, iceberg or romaine lettuce??
romaine
Have you ever wished someone were dead?
no (update: actually yes. And lemme just call this lil boy out.. CHRIS FENWICK cuz I’m defensive over my friends and clearly he’s just a lil boy… actually for some period any guy R-esses has dated)
Love or Money?
love
Credit Cards or cash?
plastic please
Current mood?
sniffly
How do you like your steak cooked?
medium well
How do you like your eggs?
poached (and unfertilized.. haha…ha…ha… all right, Ima go sit in the corner now)
Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?
5 star
Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?
minor surgery although it depends on where…
Would you shave your entire body (including your head)?
no, then i’d really look like a wee mee
What is your favorite candy?
gobstoppers
Ever been to a strip club?
nope will someone please take me?
Ever been to a bar?
well duh
Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
nope… *thinks*…. nope
Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
nope
Kissed someone of the same sex?
of course, girls generally have softer lips anyway
Thrown up from drinking too much?
yeah…unfortunately
Had sex in the car?
nope but crossing fingers
Had sex at the beach?
almost…
Had sex in a movie theater?
nope… maybe i would have when i was younger, but ick…
Had sex in a bathroom?
my bathroom or public bathroom?
Had sex at work?
no!
Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
who hasn’t? I’ve seen 13 yr olds in there
Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
yup, over and over again
Have you ever kissed a stranger? yes
Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
i hope not…
13:26 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
she’s so amazing… you don’t even know
Current mood: contemplative
feeling a whole lot of pain and stress right now. been trying to make myself a somebody people will love but need to reconnect with self. needa be less selfish and learn how to cheer people up cuz I truly suck some isch at that. needa learn to give space, to compromise and to sacrifice because on the real? I don’t even know…
cut this from my girl’s blog. check it.
“i slept almost 24 hours from friday evening to saturday early afternoon.
and i couldn’t sleep it off.
i have to feel it off. in spurts. in surprise attacks of emotion that rises from places i didn’t know existed.
as it is possible to love simultaneously, i am also learning how it feels to hurt in succession. to be let down back-to-back. to hear ‘i love her’ instead of ‘i love you.’
i’m not sure what i did to deserve sub-par situations. frankly, i think i’m the shit. and if you don’t think so, i don’t care. i’ll say i’m on the way to becoming all the more ‘the shit.’ and i believe i have enough place to say that…because i don’t walk around stuck up. and i do know where i fault. and continually try to learn and improve upon where i fault. but yes, i do think i am deserving. and it sucks a whole lot of raw ass when shit like this beats the hell out of your sense of self worth.
it’s ok, though. i’m learning. and i’ll just turn my non-human robot switch on so i can operate in the day-to-day of this world until the pain subsides. this part sucks, p.s.
and the other thing is. everytime i don’t want something (which has been for the past year, most recently), “something” keeps presenting itself. and i’m not one to let life circumstance dictate my passing by the right person. so i go with it, everytime. SO. i would now like to ask the forces in the world to stop sending me these faux-blessed gifts for awhile. and just let me completely, forreal, on the real, the real, be single for awhile.
THANKS, GOD! we tight, right? even though i suck a lot? sorry.”
00:03 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
June 1, 2007 – Friday
yay… i’m officially californian now
Current mood: predatory
supremely short post:
1. I just got my Cali plates!! Whooohoooo!!!
2. I’m never effing getting laid. Let me not divulge the details besides the fact that I’m going slightly nuts and nature has a sadistic sense of humour… *sigh*… hahaha predatory… that’s how I effing feel…
(fyi, “sexually frustrated” came up with some interesting google images, i.e.
The land of the sexual frustrated:
…for stupid people, that’s a Chinese flag…
… i don’t want to know…
teeheehee…)
I’m digressing… I should go pack or something
17:24 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 31, 2007 – Thursday
sniffle sniffle sniffle
Current mood: sick
I really should listen to my mommy when she says get a good night’s sleep, stay warm, and don’t exhaust yourself. Well, she may not have said the last statement, but I’m sure it’s implied somewhere in there. I’m definitely sick right now. I know… all depressive and then sick *yucky*. Who would actually want to be around me? Somehow, probably due to my guilt of taking a whole day off to extend my Memorial Day vacation, I’ve decided to come into work anyway, go tutor, and then go party it up with Rehes. I’m such a silly cat.
On a side note: I’m not sure if Puffs is the best tissue out there (my friend told me the softness leaves a lot of fluffy tissue residue around, which isn’t good for your respiration, a cut, or in general), but Kleenex is not doing it for me. I’m starting to look and feel like this person (minus the being high part):
And I really want to feel more like this little girl, who’s all comfy and ish. Why can’t I be this lil girl? Why, mommy, why? (Okayyyy….., I’m getting a little manic.) She looks hella Asian too, and if you actually read the profile, it’s ridiculously stereotypical. The smart Asian? For real? Do they like… exist? Like O. M. G.!!!:
She’s just cute and reminds me of Rehes, especially with the whole allergies thing (what can I say? my girl’s mad sensitive and stimulated… on a totally different note, can we pleeeaaassse get her a legit mans? Like pretty please? Like it’s not that hard. All you need is to care about her, be ready for a relationship, don’t eff with her (cuz I work 2 blocks from a Home Depot, and I’m sure that tiny store has a shovel I can buy), and that’s about it. Okay… maybe you should also be smart, somewhat ambitious (a.k.a. nothing super illegal, no bums, etc.), and other generic stuff, but not that hard. For real for real, she’s great in every way (except that she doesn’t like women (is okay, i’m learning to deal *teehee*)). If you’re interested, please contact me, a.k.a. the Rehesss Pimpesss. Did I mention that she’s like hot? Like really hot? *muahahaha*
Figures that the only person who’s name is even close to mine has to be some white chick. I’m sure she’ll do better in school if she used the apple in other ways… oops, did I say that? P
Now that’s I’ve done a whole series of Puffs ads (pro bono in fact), can I please get some legitimate tissue that doesn’t rub the skin off my nose? And maybe some soup and a warm blanket and a hot man *cough cough hint hint*.
Eh…oh well… like that ever works. I’m going to go back to work now. This side note is taking way too long, and something about my to do list not getting shorter. )
pees
blah…
Current mood: drained
I still need to update about my fantastic trip to San Diego, Tijuana and Ensenada, but that will have to be at some later point. I’m just feeling kinda down since I’ve gotten back. Mostly because I have so much to do right now with moving, settling in, developing a new networking, and so forth. Also, I’m trying really hard to keep a positive attitude, not whine (well fake whine but nothing real), and just make sure that I’m a pleasure to be around. That’s getting pretty tiresome. I’m just kinda worn out. I just want to stay in and have someone comfortable me, hold me, and kiss me. Instead, I’m stuck at work catching up to the million things I have to do at work because I took yesterday off. I think things will get better, and I know I can get through this. I also know that my friends are here for me, even if they’re going through ish of their own. It’s just hard right now. And text message sucks. And I’m just not very sure about myself or my relationship with anyone right now and that sucks. *bitch bitch whine whine* Who really wants to listen to drepressive mumbo jumbo? not me P… seee? blahh… just blah…
update: it’s 6:31pm and I wish gmail would work, so I can get the eff out of here. I also wish FrontPage (yes, it’s sucky; I’m aware) would stop crapping out on me because it really doesn’t take me 3 hrs to update a webpage… no.. really… but it kinda/sorta does when i have to keep relogging in…
17:32 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 25, 2007 – Friday
*soo sooo close*
Current mood: jubilant
I’m too happy and excited about San Diego and my fabulous road trip to whine about men right now. Besides, I got a good one (who I’m trying to hold on to for dear life). Can we say 2.5 hrs and counting!?!?
YEAHHH. heheheeheh
That totally looks like Seher and me. )
11:29 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
About boys (not men) boys…
Current mood: aggravated
I haven’t done a rant in a long ahh time, and I’m still gonna *try* not to curse, but in light of recent happenings and this blog (entry Feb. 19th– btw, if you don’t want your link up here, please let me know and I’ll take it down. thanks P), some things have to be said. Another note, unless I’m talking about you, try not to get offended.
What is up with little boys acting all sensitive and hurt and using that as a reason not to be in a relationship with a wonderful woman? Yes! If you’re above the age of freaking 18, you’ve probably been dumped, stood up, and your heart’s been effing ripped out, chewed on and thrown back to you. We’re sorry. That’s how life freakin’ goes. To keep letting that one person hurt you and prevent you from having anothing relationship is B-effing-S!! To be too scared to open yourself up and say to yourself, “Yes, she’s great. She’s smart, talented, beautiful, sexy as all holla-luja, and just a down right nice person, and I want to be with her” is silly. Don’t claim that you’re a risk taker, a free spirit, an adventure whore, and a life experiencer if you’re too chicken to let someone get close enough to actually hurt you.
You’re only “jaded” if you allow yourself to be jaded because I certainly know of one person who’s just been hurt over and over again. And guess what? She dusts herself off, contemplates the situation, learns, and gets the eff back up again. I have no idea how she does it and trust me, if I were in that situation, there’d be some ish to pay. So where do you get off saying you’re not ready, when she’s probably been through more hurt than you? How dare you put her on the back burner when she’s always put you on priority and a freakin’ pedestal? And how the eff are you gonna say wow I’m just jaded right now and trying to do me, and then proceed to jade her as much as you humanly can? I mean eff! Talk about egotistical! Don’t claim you’re “wordly” and “mature”, if you don’t even realize your own malice, intentional or unintentional. Don’t call her a “girl” because she’s probably more woman than you can ever handle. Just because she’s sweet during your selfish time of need does NOT mean she’s not fierce, strong, confident, or doesn’t a best friend who will rip you in two while you watch.
When it’s all said and done, the case is pretty simple. A boy who acts like a boy, so clearly can’t handle a woman. It’s just amazing to me that any little creature after all of that ish would actually reverse the situation and put the guilt on the other person. How could a boy possibly do that, you ask? By using “sensitivity” and “feminine” tools and basically turning this whole situation back to himself again and saying you’re clearly not looking out for me because I’m hurting so clearly I can do no wrong in my own hurt. So women out there, please do not get fooled by this fool, tricked by this trickster, and generally screwed because the difference between a man and a boy is that a man can be sensitive to his own feelings as well as others. And boys just aren’t worth your time.
Staff meeting.
09:02 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 24, 2007 – Thursday
Yes, I realize. I’m such a dorkus.
Current mood: chipper
Am very tired at the moment.
However, this is a reminder blog to myself to come back at some point and post about all the neat tricks I learned about Outlook today. I can finally get all my life into one place instead of juggling among gmail, my phone calendar/contacts, and Outlook (yay!). Maybe that means I’ll be less of a delinquent.
… Once I get my PDA/cell, I can rule the world!! Muahahahahaha
Moving forward: making the connects, working on the relash, getting my vaca on, and conquering the grind… as Seher would say… HOLLERATION!!
(strange note: I looked up “strength” under Google images, and Durex condoms popped up… hmmmm)
19:01 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 23, 2007 – Wednesday
*tear* *tear* …. *waillll*
Current mood: giggly
Don’t misinterpret this entry; I’m ubery excited about San Diego. In fact, I’m so excited that I actually used the word “uber”. It just feels like for whatever reason that the spirits are against me and miss ess because not only is carnaval going to be happening this weekend, but I’m also missing out on Capsule.
It’s a great networking opportunity for me because I’m really trying to develop my web design, graphic design, and marketing/branding company, and it’s also a chance to meet a whole host of interesting, artistic souls in the Bay. A huge amount of them are in Oakland, and since I’ll be moving there, it’s nice to know what’s going down. Besides, from my bank account and credit card statements, there doesn’t seem to be a concept to “too much shopping” for me, so a fair with over 140 vendors with various tastes, designs, media, and market niches seems to be perrrfect for me.
As a consolation though, I do get to travel down to SD and hopefully get pitch black over the course of five days, after I get Thursday over with. And there is this (see below) event going on, that I will hopefully (*cross my fingers*) not be lazy enough to miss. So I feel better already.
Too much talking and not enough procrastinating… bye!!!
17:13 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
crazy, insane trip planner
Current mood: hyper
I’m not the most anal trip planner, but I can be pretty meticulous. Here’s the schej so far (all personal data taken out):
1. Sidewalk sale: 5/25/07 – 5/28/07 – Be amazed at the savings you’ll reap this Memorial Day weekend at The Shops at Las Americas Sidewalk Sale. Shop at San Diego’s largest fashion outlet center located just 20 minutes from downtown and find great deals on designer fashions and accessories. Sale begins Friday, May 25 and lasts through Monday, May 28.
Four days of fabulous shopping. Store hours are Friday and Saturday 10:00am – 9:00 pm, Sunday 10:00 am – 7:00 pm, and Monday 10:00 am – 9:00 pm.
Take 805 or 5 south and exit Camino de la Plaza and turn right to get to The Shops at Las Americas. You can also take the San Diego Trolley Blue Line and exit at the San Ysidro Transit Center located at the international border. The Shops at Las Americas is located on a short five-minute walk across the pedestrian-friendly bridge and one block up on the right.
2. Freeee: http://www.sandiego.org/article/Visitors/795
15. Rollerblade, skateboard or bicycle along the Mission Beach Boardwalk, a scenic 3-mile boardwalk along picturesque Mission and Pacific Beaches. Take Highway 8 west and follow the signs to West Mission Bay Drive.
23. Drive to the top of Mt. Soledad in La Jolla for breathtaking, 360-degree views of San Diego, including the gently curving La Jolla coastline and Mission Bay. Spectacular views of San Diego’s East County communities also await guests at the top of Mt. Helix.
6905 La Jolla Scenic Drive South
La Jolla, CA 92037
Memorial is open from 7:00 am to 10:00pm.
Office Location
(Windemere Shopping Center off of Soledad Mt. Rd.)
Mt. Soledad Memorial Association, Inc.
6437 Caminito Blythefield, Suite C
La Jolla, CA 92037-5852
Phone: (858) 459-2314
Toll-free: (877) 204-7661
Fax: (858) 459-2485
Start out going NORTH on 1ST AVE toward MONTECITO WAY. <0.1 miles Map
2: Turn LEFT onto W MONTECITO WAY. <0.1 miles Map
3: Turn LEFT onto FRONT ST. 0.1 miles Map
4: Turn RIGHT onto W WASHINGTON ST. 1.1 miles Map
5: Turn RIGHT onto SAN DIEGO AVE. <0.1 miles Map
6: Merge onto I-5 N. 4.2 miles Map
7: Take EXIT 23A toward GRAND AVE / GARNET AVE. 0.4 miles Map
8: Merge onto MISSION BAY DR. 0.5 miles Map
3. touristy stuff: LEGOLand (too freakin’ expensive $57/person)
San Diego Zoo: Current hours 9 a.m.–4 p.m. (grounds close at 6 p.m.)
2920 Zoo Drive in Balboa Park, just north of downtown San Diego
Directions from the NORTH (southbound): From Interstate 5 take the Pershing Drive exit and follow the signs. From Interstate 15 (Escondido and Riverside), take State Route 163 south to the Park Blvd./I-5 South exit. Exit at Park Blvd. Turn left on Park Blvd. and head north; Zoo entrance is off Park Blvd. at Zoo Place. Directions from the SOUTH (northbound): From Interstate 5 (Mexico), take the State Route 163 north exit, then the Zoo/Museums (Richmond Street) exit and follow the signs.
DIRECTIONS FROM My HOUSE TO J HOUSE::
OPTION 1 to HIGHWAY 5:
1. Take 92 west.
2. Go to 280 South
3. Take 85 towards 101 South
4. 101 South
5. 152 East
6. 5 South
OPTION 2 to HIGHWAY 5:
1. Take 92 east
2. 880 North
3. 238 to 580
4. 580 South to Livermore
5. 580 merges to 5 South
REST OF WAY:
1. Take 5 past:
LA
Oceanside/ Carlsbad
Encinitas
2. Slight left to 185 South
3. Exit 163 South to downtown (Cabrillo Freeway)
4. Non yo’ biz
5. Non yo’ biz
6. Non yo’ biz
7. Non yo’ biz
8. Non yo’ biz
9. Non yo’ biz
As far as directions go, take the 5S all the way to my house. That’s much simpler than the directions you were given. blah blah blah. My house is on the left side 2 blocks up. It’s a cute casita with red steps, and a Mexican Guadalupe (fyi Mexican mother of Jusus, lol) hanging on the door. There is parking on boobie street, since my street has restricted parking because it’s close to the hospital. We’ll take care of that after you drop off your bags at mi casa, so just pull in the driveway when you arrive. =)
DIRECTIONS HOME::
1. Non yo’ biz
2. Non yo’ biz
3. Non yo’ biz
4. Get onto 163 North
5. 185 North
6. 5 North
7. Take N El Camino Rd (starts on 5)
8. Go onto Pacific Coast Highway (which becomes 1)
9. Continue on Route 1 past Santa Monica, Malibu, etc.
10 Route 1 merges to 101 in Ventura
11. End merge after Gaviota State Park
12. 1 still along coast, 101 inland (101 is probably better though cuz it’s less small streets)
13. Merge again at Pismo Beach
14. End Merge Saint Louis Obispo. Take 1
15. Basically take 1 or 101 depending on timing
16. If take 101, go straight home. If take 1, pass Monterey to Santa Cruz
17. At Santa Cruz, take 17 North or East to 280 North OR keep going until 92
18. From there, it’s a piece of cake.
Here’s the plan:
Friday after work: ME and S head home. S picks up Jany with FULL TANK OF GAS.
Jany brings the snacks.
Friday night: S and Me arrive in SD. J PLANS AWESOME PARTY/CLUB events for Me and S.
Saturday- Monday: basically open to suggestions.
Tuesday: J, S and Me maybe having a quick breakfast. Me and S go home via Route 1
TO DO LIST:::
J:
1. Please think of things you’d want to do during the weekend, and places we could visit.
2. ALSO, FIND awesome Friday and Saturday events/concerts/clubs. Cheaper=better. )
3. Think of some goooood, cheap restaurants to eat at…
S:
1. MAKE SURE YOU GET FULL TANK OF GAS THURSDAY NIGHT or FRIDAY AFTER WORK!!!!
2. Make mix CDs for the drive there (possibly two to give to Juli)
3. PACK!!!
4. Remember PASSPORT!!!
5. Make a list of places to visit, activities, eateries, etc.
Me
1. Make sure S does her to do list. )
2. Plan snacks for trip there.
3. PRINT MAP to get to San Diego
4. PACK!!!
5. Remember PASSPORT!!!
Hopefully if I lose all the stuff I printed out, at least I can access a copy online )… okay that wasn’t the point of my posting because clearly I can use gmail instead. But I’ll pretend it’s a legitimate reason, and you can pretend to care. *teehee*
I’m all giddy today. It probably has something to do with the words “I like you” repeated over and over yesterday. Not that everything is completely perfect, but it’s workable and as long as the heart’s there, the brain might as darn well follow.
Really really can’t wait for it to be tomorrow already and I get to see boo and then it’ll be Friday!! Yay!! I haven’t had any sugar today, but it’s totally crazy. I have so much that I need to get done in the next two days and when I come back. Sugar sugar sugar!!! (yes, I’m stopping before I hurt myself)
10:38 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 22, 2007 – Tuesday
a response to “scared”
You are fastened to them and cannot understand how, because they are not fastened to you.
~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
We waste a lot of time running after people we could have caught by just standing still
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
~Astrid Alauda
Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?
~Maurice Freehill
bring me! no, bring me!
Current mood: crazy
Memorial Day is quickly approaching. It may only be Tuesday morning at 10:57am, and the flab on my stomach and plastered all over my body (ick! note to self: happy grass, a.k.a. pollo, a.k.a. happy grass is not good consecutively because i just keep eating the entire contents of the fridge over and over again) is telling me it’s not quite lunch time yet, but in my mind, I’m already heading to San Diego. I really hope that this trip goes jinx free *cross fingers*. It somehow feels like finals season again. Before I reach the great vacation, the sunny beaches, and getting porkier by the minute, there’s still so much to do. From tutoring to putting in extra hours because I need to go to the DMV in the morning and change my registration and also do a pre-move out check to make sure my apartment is somewhat in order to packing still and trying to hang out with boobie at least for a little bit before we both leave, it’s just crazy.
On the other hand, i don’t mind some of things on my to do list, like packing. I understand that most people hate packing and unpacking and moving. Well the actually move, I’m not a huge fan of, especially college when I had to haul the huge bins of my stuff blocks and blocks over crummy brick road. The actual planning isn’t so bad. It may not be my favorite to do, but it’s definitely not the worst. And in terms of packing, well it’s just making a list of what you need and folding into a suitcase. Unpacking is even easier: most of your stuff is dirty clothes at this point, so just dump it into the laundry basket and call it a day.
My point is, I wish the week would go by already, so that I can see this:
and this:
and this:
and this:
and maybe this:
or this:
…and I still need to pack!!!
things to bring:
- sun block
- toothbrush, toothpaste
- face wash, lotion
- razor
- towel
- deodorant
- contact case, solution, extra pair
- PJs
- 6 pairs of underwear and bras
- 3 swimsuits
- 1 pair jeans (wear there)
- 1 skirts, 4 dresses
- 3 tshirt tops
- 2 pair flip flops (1 wear there)
- 1 pair flats, 1 heels
- 1 pair sneakers
- 1 book
- 7 pair earrings
- camera & charger
- phone & chargers & batteries
- PASSPORT
(updated: .. almost done…)
Could I possibly be forgetting anything? At all? *sigh* busy-ness…
10:55 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 21, 2007 – Monday
scared
Current mood: hopeful
terrified
i’m so deep that i don’t know how i will ever get myself out if this is indeed a hole and not a mountain we’re building together
somehow i just don’t know if that eventually will ever come for you and me
i just want to be with you all the time, to make sure that you will never drift from me
already knowing that that isn’t healthy and i just need to give you your space
i don’t even want to think or talk about it, farless write about it
i don’t think there’s anything that i can do to be better
it’s just going to take time and praying
i’m just scared
terrified
and i don’t know what to do
i’m afraid to keep the door to me so open for so long
it’s scary to know that someone can break your heart and still you’re willing to keep your heart open and let it happen
it’s so counterintuitive
the easier road is just to close my heart altogether and settle for a good on paper
for contentment instead of utter happiness that you bring me every time we’re together
but i guess, no i know, that isn’t the right way
i just wish you’d give me a sign
because i’m starting to lose faith and doubt myself
doubt your ability to open yourself and really love me
doubt that no matter how long i keep trying, maybe it’s just not going to work
and with the distance that’s going to be between us
my doubts grow on a daily basis
and i don’t know what to do anymore
don’t know what to believe or why i just can’t seem to be secure even though you’ve never given me any clue to believe otherwise
i don’t know what’s wrong with me or if it’s something to do with you or us or… i don’t know
this doubt is going to be the death of me
this insecurity will ruin us
my only wish is that somehow i will believe in myself and that i’m worthy of your love
or that i’m strong and confident and beautiful and deserving of your love
what’s taking so freaking long?
is it me? is it you? is it your past?
bah
i’m just so frustrated with the waiting, even if i’m not waiting and stagnant
this is a constant development
but i can’t but ask, why aren’t we there yet?
why don’t you?
and no i’m not addicted to your body
i’m just addicted to you and your body is simply a physical manifestation of you
that somehow hugging you physically will make up for my invisible worries
it doesn’t
there’s so much i do love about you that your body is just one on the list
i just don’t see you as often as i would like, so i don’t always maximize the time
i just want to close my eyes and enjoy being with you, smelling you, touching you, kissing you
that’s my bad
i didn’t mean to convey that that is the only thing i want from you
i want all of you
i want to know what you love, what you don’t, and everything in the middle
and i don’t want to find out all in one day like an interview
i want to remember tidbits as we talk and joke
i want to do things with you like go hiking and just driving
i want conversation to flow and feelings to be shared
i want to have experiences with you and go on vactaion where it’s just the two of us and silly things like work or schedules don’t interrupt our time together
to go somewhere where cell phones don’t work and there’s just the two of us
i want you to be happy, in whatever way that you interpret the word
but what i want to know most and do most is find out what you want
do you really want me?
what do you want your life to be? are you happy? not just in terms of work but quality of life?
what’s your favorite smell?
who hurt you the most and how?
if you had a day to do whatever you want, what would you do?
how much time would be spent with me?
boo, i love you.
do you love me?
is it too soon to ask?
what’s too soon? what’s the right time?
will there ever be a right time? should i stop asking?
if i stop asking, will it ever happen?
i don’t know what to think, say or write
wordless
emotion-ful
and still
terrified
23:13 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Thenny is Thpoiled
Current mood: groggy
Another short entry because I’m too brain dead to really communicate properly right now. I just spent the last ump-teen hours squinting at the computer screen formating a graphics project for work, so my eyes feel like they buzzing (not buzzed, just buzzing).
At some later point, I’ll gush about how great my weekend was, the wonderful art that I got, the cuteness of Ty and so forth. Right now, I just want to talk about this:
I’ve been wanting one (a Wacom Intuos) for a while because it allows me to use a pen to draw across the screen instead of the awkward motion of the mouse. The only problem is that it costs a pretty penny. If you actually clicked on that link, you’d know that a 9″ by 12″ drawing area will set you back about $449.95 plus tax, shipping, etc. So… how do I get one without agreeing to do a few lap dances at the Gold Club after work?
Option 1:
Work really really really hard and wait for the bonus to come at work. Then, decide to splurge on a piece of electronics instead of clothes. Become shunned by all artistic friends. Wind up living in a sterile environment with all other compu-geeks.
Option 2:
Design websites, graphics, and other collateral as freelance until I earn enough to buy myself one of those sweet, sweet babies. Set up a business plan, network, get jobs, and then realize that it would have been much easier on my life to make the initial investment and then, get the job.
Option 3:
Ask daddy.
Guess which option I took? Yup. It’s ordered and going through the system right now… muahaha.
I have to say to my defense though, that I do plan on buying my very own Adobe CS3, which will run me about $1800 (? I don’t quite remember the exact tag price), and a pda to organize my life, so I’m not constantly confused, which will be another $500 out of pocket plus $50-$70 for a data plan from AT&T.
Note: AT&T and Cingular need to beef up their service because they can be a total provider, but if their service sucks, then who the flipping eff cares? I’m only noting this because my cell reception is worse than usual, as is my wireless and even wired DSL. Get on the freakin’ ball here. It’s ironic for a marketer to say this, but it’s not all about branding and marketing. Get your effing engineers down there, and the fix the problem!
‘k. bye!
13:25 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 18, 2007 – Friday
street fairs, summer affairs
Current mood: curious
This is going to be rather short. There are definitely a lot of festivals and fairs going on in the Bay during summer. Which one should I go to?
There’s the Folsom Street fair:
(I lifted the images. If you’re the owner, please let me know, and I will give you credits/take you down as you wish. Thanks!)
The Haigh Street fair:
or…?
What are you suggestions?
21:02 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 17, 2007 – Thursday
milky milky cocoa puff
Current mood: dorky
Yes, I realize those aren’t exactly the lyrics of the Black Eye Peas song.
I’ve been getting terribly sick of my LG Chocolate phone. It has great sound, all the functions I use regularly (except PDA/MS Office capability), and it’s hot slide-ness makes me fizzle with excitement every time. However, having a Verizon phone with Cingular service is seriously wearing on my patience and reception. Verizon, so far, is much better with their product offerings, coming out with the Motorola Razr (right?) and Chocolate, but I’ve been brand loyal to AT&T (then Cingular; then AT&T- come on, who didn’t see that coming?), and I still have 11 months left. Who knows which company will come out on top? I mean even T-Mobile is having commercials that say “fewest dropped calls” (!). Are you kidding me? Fewest dropped calls? Is that why Seher’s phone worked like 2 days a month back in college? Helll-ooooohhh!?
My point is, I was all ready to jump on the iPhone/Cingular domination cart (a.k.a. apple fanboy bandwagon) until I saw this: (which by the way matches perfectly with my cell and is the point of my previous pseudo-rant)
And here are the specs (thanks, gizmodo):
Processor Intel® Core 2 Duo Processor T5600 (1.83GHz, 2MB L2 Cache)
Display 12.1″ WXGA(1280×800),Fine Bright Technology
Graphics ATI® Mobility TM Radeon® X1350 (up to 512MB)
HDD 120GB
Wireless Intel® Pro/Wireless 3945ABG(802.11a/b/g)
Bluetooth Yes (BlueCore™4)
Multimedia Card Slot 5-in-1 (XD/SD/MMC/MS/MS Pro)
Audio SRS WOW HD, SRS TruSurround XT, 5.1CH Dolby Digital, 24bit High Definition
With a 4g RAM and 2g graphics card, I’ll be ready to rock and roll and ditch AT&T for my sexy, sleek Verizon/LG lover. All I’d need is the matching MasterCard PayPass watch:
Okay, maybe not… but at least we’re almost catching up to where Japan was more than a year ago with the mobile phone tap & go system…
Anyway, let me wipe the drool off my face and get back to work. I don’t want to sound like a complete fangirl.
17:02 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 16, 2007 – Wednesday
And the decision is…
Current mood: jubilant
The decision is Oakland, near Lake Merritt, near all this great shopping and restaurants, near cute little boutiques and Saturday farmer’s markets, and near a beautiful little lake with hiking just over the hills. I’m thoroughly enraptured by this cute little city, and similar to my life’s destiny (or at least some sort of pattern), always championing for an underdog that is hugely misunderstood.
If that hugely vague description didn’t mean anything to you, what I’m trying, not so eloquently, to say is that I found a new apartment! A brand. spanking. well new to me. apartment. woo-freaking-hoo!! No more stress about where I’m going to live next month or how I’m ever going to move all my stuff… well I still have to worry abot that, but at least I know where I’m moving to. So I can order checks and change my address on my driver’s license and all that stuff that comes with moving. Yay!!
The apartment is great. It’s spacious with light and a cute kitchen and carpeting. Yes, I’m being purposely vague. I don’t particularly want stalkers especially since I still get those weird “@~” rose text messages. It’s been almost a year? You’d think the guy or girl would have gotten enough and just been sick of it.
Sorry… somewhat of a spoiler to come, if you haven’t watched the last episode of ANTM.
On another note, the America’s Next Top Model season finale came to Jaslene, the sassy latina, and Natasha, the bubbly Russian. They both have their strengths, but I just love Natasha. I think after all she’s endured of having a much older husband, being away from her child, and having language difficulties, she still has her amazing personality, optimism, and diligence. I was definitely attracted to Jaslene from the beginning because of her amazing bone structure and fabulous pictures, but I believed that Natasha would win in the end. Perhaps, Jaslene was stronger overall to the judges, but there’s just a tiny inkling in my mind that they might not have chosen Natasha because most of the ANTM winners haven’t exactly gone too far in the high couture world. They’ve been more lifestyle models with Cover Girl and so forth. That means that networking and representing ANTM is imperative, and Natasha’s lack of language skills may mean that she doesn’t have the primary tool for the job.
I really enjoyed watching this season, even though the show have become a bit stagnant and unfortunately, I missed a lot of the episodes. I had tutoring, which I love and seems to give me a feeling of family and belonging. Anyway, I’m not too happy with the ending, but I accept it.
I think that’s all the updates and stories for today. I’ve definitely had a little too much chocolate and food lately. But I’m happy that I get to move and explore a new area of the Bay. I hope that there’s always something new for me in the Bay because I would hate to ever get bored.
‘night.
21:28 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 15, 2007 – Tuesday
awww… you’re soo cu.. OOWWWW!!!!!
Current mood: ridiculous )
I love the ridiculosity of this… but if you’re working the pole at Dirty Johnny’s or decide to take a stroll around 53rd and Lancaster in Philly after the sun has set, this might not be such a bad idea.
It does this:
And looks like this:
Material girl, specifically silk, chiffon, cotton, and leather (whip!)
Current mood: creative
In light of all my ranting, whining, and baby-ish behaviour about having to move, be far from boy, and generally having no spare time, I thought I’d write another product review/wishlist (wink wink) entry.
Being an absolutely stationery whore (I mean seriously, Papyrus should thank me for the amount of money I’ve dumped, not to mention the $250 I convinced my friend to spend on a scrapbook for Mother’s Day or the fact that I may be the only person ever- in life- to have over 10 journal/diaries), I couldn’t help but jump in giddy circles, at my desk at work no less, when I saw the Shinebox business cards.
I realize that this is a teeny tiny picture, but the shineboxprint website (http://www.shineboxprint.com/) has some great pictures. This whole concept is these custom designed cards are bound together into a customizable pad with perforated edges to tear and share, so to speak. Clean, vibrant, and utterly sophisticated chic and tres sexy, these little buggers will run you about $150 plus shipping for 200 cards. But then, if you’re getting business from your fab business cards, isn’t it worth it afterall? Visit their site for details. Then gab to me about what you think.
Now that I’m getting ready to move and will have brand new walls to decorate, ponder, and obssess over, this seems like the perfect little gift for my house warming. Wall Stickers (http://www.stickyups.com) allow you to paint up your walls without having to actually paint. My only question is what kind of residue does it leave? Well I’m not waiting to find out because at 30 pounds sterling (UK currency) plus shipping and conversion, I’d rather just buy some Sherwin-Williams paint and call it a day.
This next one sould be super easy: the packaging is designed well. You’ll never be ashy again. And it’s only $6… Visit http://www.methodhome.com/products/bloq.phpfor details…
Not quite sure how I feel about this one, but for all the CSE/Star Wars fanatics… um… l33t or whatever you say. is a great way to show off your fanboy-dom while still looking design conscious. Don’t worry, I’m sure the boy will be fine. To check out the other design, go to www.uncrate.comor just buy it direct from The Giant Peach, another Thenny Favorite. If you’re not gay or a metrosexual or an art major and actually visits this sites, can I just say, “I adore you. Can I have your bebes?”
More later… must run to Papyrus again for more stationery fun! Wheeee!!
Later:
Officially am in love with this dress, which I realize is completely insane, since I just bought almost 10 dresses/skirts in the last two weeks and downed my bank balance by probably a couple thousand dollars. But when Nordstrom has cute dresses like these for only $62, you think, “It’s only $62. Does it really matter that much in the grand scheme of things?” I guess my answer is one is always okay, but six, seven or more is totally unacceptable. Therefore, I’m going to leave this beauty on my guestlist and firmly on the rack.
Last, and also free, it’s always nice to have free things in the world, especially when they’re beautiful things. For example, this is a flash video from the BBC Motion Gallery, which is just enough color to end the day. If for some reason, your browser isn’t showing that link, it’s http://www.flashcomguru.com/apps/fullscreen_player9/fullscreen.html
Cheers, mateys. My brain hath friededed…
P.S. Someone’s a lil too mac-centric here… and this wouldn’t suck so much, if the design actually worked. Hey, if I insult, at least I give some constructive criticism. No one wants an ugly nightstand lamp floating around in their pool. To the first point, I understand that designers have a love and appreciation of Macs because it incorporates usability, graphic elements, and a beautiful look. However, what about PC owners who want a desk with enough ports, USB slots, and plugs to satiate their laptops? Don’t limit your market from the beginning just because you prefer one product to the other. Your customers might not think that way.
…ick…
17:18 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 13, 2007 – Sunday
puff puff gooonnneee
that’s all it took and this whole day has been a delightfully fun ride. Will try to update and discuss later because I’m hella tired…
23:36 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 11, 2007 – Friday
short update
Current mood: sleepy
I’ve been wanting to write an entry responding to the article Paul Holmes wrote, “A Manifesto for the 21st Century Public Relations Firm”. It discusses the role of public relations during the dawn of the internet and how it’s better shifting and adapting to the world of social media and hopefully the next generation… blah blah blah. It’s a very interesting article, painfully specific to public relations, which I don’t think the two people who read this know that much about, and I haven’t quite worked all my thoughts out just yet.
So… I’m going to wait until I’m ready to discuss, which won’t be for a while because I’m hella busy with everything else. Work’s been pretty hectic in terms of grasping new projects, making sure my regular tasks are updated, preparing for awards, of which we’ve won a good number (woohoo!! SHIFT rocks!), and generally handling random requests. Even though I’m such not a morning person and convincing myself that I love my job and I should get my fat belly to work every morning can be extremely difficult, I’m really happy here. I’m learning a lot about office etiquette and processes as well as developing my awesome graphics, web design, layout skills and making marketing collateral for the company.
On the other front, I’m getting ready to move to Oakland probably in the next month or so. Going to be looking at tons of apartments this Saturday. I just need to make sure that I print out all the maps, directions, and phone numbers. I really hope that I’m lucky, and I get a huge place with lots of light and clean-ness. We’ll see how that’s working out. It’s just a huge burden on me right now of not knowing where I’m going to be moving and coordinating packing and getting people to help me move.
Then, there’s all the regular activities I always try to plan, like remembering to bring my business card case (arg, I keep forgetting) to work, so that I can use breaks to start emailing contacts for freelancing work. Trying to have private hang out time with the three blessings in my life: T. S. O. (yeah!) At some point cleaning, which I’ve neglected since forever, and laundry and dishes and all those annoying things that I’ll have to do once I’m all growed up, linked up, and reproduced. It doesn’t sound like much, but all the little things really add up. I feel bad cuz I definitely promised that I would cook yesterday, but I just haven’t had the time to do it and I’m really tired. For someone who doesn’t ever get circles under her eyes, I look really really ishy today.
Anyways, that’s the short update. It’s really not that short, but whatevs. Have a good weekend. Ima try to get some sleep before I get myself back in the grind.
Muah!
11:22 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 8, 2007 – Tuesday
East vs West
Current mood: contemplative
I’m sure this debate has gone on long before I hit the bay, but which is better?
Oakland?
or
San Francisco?
Both have their neighborhoods, their scenes, and their costs, but which is the better place to live?
..> San Francisco Oakland
Potential neighborhoods Inner Sunset, Inner Richmond, Alamo Sq/Nopa, Fillmore area, Hayes Valley, Noe Valley, Twin Peaks, Cole Valle Lake Merritt, possibly the hills, Claremont, Alameda
Apartments: cost generally more expensive generally cheaper
Apartment: space depends, but probably less spacious depends, but probably more spacious
Apartment: view hopefully big windows, but probably overlooking the street hopefully big windows that may overlook the lake
Parking on the street on the street, but maybe $50/month for garage
Travel cost $40 Muni pass ~$100 BART tickets
Travel time Probably anywhere from 25-40 min plus walking; can go home whenever Probably anywhere from 15-25 min plus walking; have to get on the pre-midnight train or take BART back and drive over
Friends a handful maybe one?
Exploring I’d get to know the little neighborhoods of San Francisco better, and it would promote me walking everywhere, which would be fantastic I’d force myself to explore East Bay, including Berkeley and the cute little neighborhood around there, and I’m still just a short BART from the city, although it would make more sense for me to drive on the weekends
NightLife Finding lots of new places to go, see, and be seen Will probably defer to SF because I don’t know that many place in Oakland, don’t know who I’d meet, and been through the only Asian at a black club thing… no need to repeat (mostly b/c I don’t like being hit on as a exotic fetish instead of as a person- although the bay is drastically different from philly)
Distance from Nipples 45 min during non rush, 1.5 hr on 280 during rush no idea, but I heard 880 sucks… i’m taking a wild guess and saying about 1hr or so
..>
I’m not quite sure if I left anything major out, and I don’t know what’s going to happen because I definitely want to move in about oh… like 5 weeks. That doesn’t give me much time at all, and I’m not quite worried about it, but it’s just frustrating not knowing.
If anyone has any suggestions, definitely let me know. For now, I’m going to be living and breathing craigslist.
15:16 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 7, 2007 – Monday
Web 2.0.0 officially dead?
I realized a good while ago that myspace and facebook were slowly fading into the “has beens” section of the internet, fated to join paying for online news or bored.com. Weeks have past, maybe months, but other than a sporadic twitter of Second Life, Bebo, Ning, or some other site desperate to capitalize on the whole social media realm, what’s really new? Yes, it’s great that instead of going to myspace, facebook, .., ning networks, and hi5 as well as youtube and imeem, I can now just go to Bebo and get all inclusive. Or instead of spending 4 hours downloading “barely legal” or “sir milf alot” off of bittorrent, limewire, or kazaa, you can now stream all your porn through porkolt- yet another video something or other sharing site. But what’s really new?
I feel like 2 years ago, when facebook first approached the ivy leagues and was still an infant of a company, the concept of having a profile and linking to that random strange you said hi to in the elevator was exciting. You can now cyberstalk all the cute/asshole people in your classes that you never had the nerve to talk to or find out what in the world would make Jill, the big boobed girl, do that with a turkey baster. Now, it’s just a cute little redress of the same ole same ole. I think it’s great that LinkedIn calculated the professional networking aspect of social media and Meebo allows your to chat anywhere, anytime, and any window (with their embedded widget). There are some companies out there that are merging several developing technologies to create something really unique, i.e. the iPhone. Yes, it’s hate-worthy-ly smart with its proprietary platform, the always sleek apple/jobs design, and the WOW pricetag. However, I don’t necessarily see Web 3.0 as just that; it’s more like Web 2.0.1.
… sorry. Will have to elaborate later. Life calls.
Later: Supposedly Web 3.0 is about the ability to use these new widgets and tools interactively and collaboratively to maximize the online experience, versus oohing and aahing over the technology. That does seem to be happening, but it’s slightly frustrating to me that like the first Internet wave, companies haven’t really been able to hold on for the next one. Once integrated with all the gadgets, users seem to get bored and move on to the next big thing. The life of an online brand happens in just a second, and the people with the most staying power seem to be the big players and companies with both a first and second life presence (aka real time and online).
I realize that there are probably more than a handful of counterexamples, and I’m being way too broad. On the other hand, this is exactly how just how I feel at the moment, and I haven’t done enough research to know exactly what the next hot thing was… Maybe I need to adopt a teenager or something. At 23, I suddenly feel out of the loop and old… and I’m not even 23 yet… Another 2-3 months.
16:19 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
May 6, 2007 – Sunday
farmer girl dress, strawberry picking, and sun kissed all over
Current mood: energetic
Woke up Saturday morning next to one of the sexiest men, and got home just in time to changes and head out with Oscar for our one on one day. It’s adorable how he pays attention to details because we had lunch on Friday, and I mentioned off hand that I loved rootbeer and cream sodas. He had gone to the famer’s market, bought 3 flavors of tamales- pork and red beans, pork mole, and chicken and green chiles, along with a six pack of Henry Weinhard’s rootbeer, black cherry soda, vanilla cream soda, and orange cream soda all nicely iced in a cooler in the trunk. Additionally, he brought a sampling of Mexican pastries. My favorite was this crispy, flaky thing baked around a cream center and topped with sugar crystals. Many puns ensued.
Yum! You know right away that I was about to gain 5 pounds yesterday, at least. We cruised along the coast on Highway 1, enjoying the scrumptuous weather, chit chatting, and sipping on some of the best root beer I’ve ever had. We stopped by this little beach right by Half Moon Bay. Most people think that it’s just a rest stop, but if you walk along the trail with artichoke and other veggie fields on either side, it leads you to a stepped trail down to the beach. What’s great about the beach is that most people don’t know about it, the area surrounding it is private property, so you don’t have random perverts spying on you, and best of all, when you’re down there, the dunes create a private area about every thirty feet or so. We walked down and joked about stealing some artichokes on the way back by throwing the blanket over the barbed wire and climbing over. (No worries we didn’t end up doing it.)
The beach was mostly deserted. There were three older people that made their way down, and then a family, but for the most part we were alone. We just layed on the blanket, ate tamales, drank root beer, and talked. I don’t even remember what we talked about. It was just nice. Of course Saturday wasn’t as warm as today because it had rained on Friday, but it was nice enough to strip down to a bikini and get some sun. We must have just chilled out there for 2 hrs or so. By 2pm, I had had enough and was eager to head further down to see if the strawberries were in season. Funny thing is that everyone we saw on the beach, and in fact on the strawberry garden was bundled up like it was still february with wind breakers and sweats. Meanwhile, I’m prancing around in my halter, checkered sundress without a care for the somewhat chilly winds. It was just too nice out to not take in the sun.
We headed back to the truck and continued to truck south. The one other time we’d driven down the coast together, it was night time and very much foggy and slightly raining. Yesteday, it was perfect. The sun shone through the windows, the hills provided the scenic background flowing seamlessly into the fields, forests, or towns that sprinkled through the coast. On the right was a clear drop or a steep slope into the Pacific, a bit murky but still deep blue. Its rich color created such a contrast with the dulled yellow of the hills on our left, and even more with the bright yellow fields of flowers decorating random fields to the left of the road. My favorite were the small patches of colored flowers that edged its way through the cracks of some dry steep rocky slope.
We got to the strawberry fields. Oscar was afraid that it was still a bit early, but thankfully it was open. Not that many people where there. We grabbed a cardboard carton; O promised that he’d bring me a cute little basket next time to match my cute little outfit. Joking about garden snakes that would wrestle us for strawberries, we made our way to the field, which was about 100 yards or so from the wooden barn thing with the store and supplies. These strawberries are absolutely the sweetest ones I’ve ever had. They simply melted into my mouth with just enough sweetness and freshness. We fed each other a bunch of them, and picked some to take home as well. In total, we mustn’t have spent that much time there, but my stomach was exploding with too many strawberries. They ended up being $2 a pound, and it was on an honor system, which I think is refreshingly unique. We had 3 pounds, which O and I separated into great and somewhat ok- so if I wanted to cover them in chocolate later, it’d be easier to find the candidates. Then, we picked up a jar of fresh strawberry jam and three gigantic chocolate covered strawberries.
I’m not sure where we were at this point, but we kept driving south towards Santa Cruz. We got there, and I just didn’t feel like being out on the beach with the rest of the people. Our day so far had been cute and quaint and away from tons of people, and I didn’t want to spoil that. We purposely got lost and twisted around Santa Cruz. O pointed out a few good places to eat and memories associated with visiting in his childhood. We talked about how great it would be to just get wetsuits, surfboards, and go out in the ocean and smoke from pollo. ____ supposedly had a great source, aka one puff and you’re out. We couldn’t get a hold of them yesterday, but that’s the plan for next time.
At some point we made our way back to Highway 1, and we started to make our way back. We stopped at a restaurant for a bathroom break, and I discovered that I was a little more than just sun kissed. It looked more like a french kiss. I’m not tomato red, but I was (and am) definitely pink all over, especially my entired back and my calves. I fell asleep during the hour’s drive back up. When I woke up, we were at some beach just north of Half Moon Bay. After so much sun, I was pretty drowsy and didn’t feel like walking to yet another beach. Even more so because I was already slightly burned. We spread the blanket in the trunk, and just hung out in the trunk bed for a while, but it was getting chilly and I was huddling under a blanket and a jacket with my bathing suit (totally pointless). We decided to drive back to my place, so I could shower before heading out for dinner.
At around 6pm or so, we finally got back to my place. I showered, changed, and called Nipples. He didn’t pick up or answer my text I wrote earlier that day. I guess I was tired and sad because as much fun as I had with O, it would have been a dream to be able to share that experience and beauty with Nipples. Anyway, I was just down, so finally O suggested that we go to the city. He drove up 280 towards skyline blvd (?) on 35. I’d never been to that edge of San Francisco. Because it was close to the opening of the bay and the Golden Gate bridge, parts of the drive up was very flat and the water was basically at eye level. The sun was just getting ready to set. I don’t remember where we were, but we drove to up the very corner of San Francisco where Geary curves from east west to north south. There’s this park area perfect for watching the sun duck under the ocean. Last night it looked like the sun was slowly lowering itself into the cool Pacific Ocean after a day’s of hot work. I almost expect the water on the horizon to start glowing yellow. The sun was golden yellow, like a big goose egg, coloring the nearby sky, clouds, landscape, and buildings some rainbow mix of yellow, pink, red, purple, or blue. It really looked like a painting. When it finally disappeared completely, we got back into the truck.
Neither of us were hungry, since we just had a couple of tamales each two hours ago, so we just drove around the city. He showed me where he, Nicky, and the boys were born. Told me stories of hanging around in various neighborhood during his childhood. Random stories or getting into trouble or just cute little areas he really liked to visit. O also showed me the areas that he’d love to live near Gold Gate park. I think we were in Pac Heights, and he pointed out houses with 6 or 7 cars or a carousel in the back yard (!) or just really good designs. Because he works with an agency that repairs houses, he also pointed out houses he had worked on and what he did throughout the day. It was nice. We drove from outer sunset, on geary to the Fillmore area, the Presidio and inner Richmond, to Pac Heights, near SFCU, then past the Tenderloin towards downtown. Finally, we crosse union square and to San Bruno to Toto’s Pizzeria.
I read the family history on the back of the menu about how the italian family immigrated to Brooklyn and then to San Francisco after World War II. It was quite interesting. We headed back to my place and popped in Princess Mononoke that he’d let me borrow. We’d only gotten about 10 minutes in before Nipples called. I took the phone outside and chatted for almost 20 minutes. When I came back in, O seemed pretty exhausted. He headed out, and I said I’d clean up tomorrow before heading off to bed.
From beginning to end, just about a perfect day.
17:21 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 30, 2007 – Monday
so cliche
Current mood: restless
the yearning to write about coccooning myself into the space under your arms
resting my breasts against you side and gently placing my head on your chest
looking up at your half asleep eyes and feeling the stickiness of our freshly showered bodies
wondering if we could go again, feel your soft skin cave to my inquisitive index finger
randomly poking your lips until you ask what
errant darts from your tongue to brand the tip of my nose
marking your skin with one last kiss before closing my eyes to sleep
all while wishing the moment could somehow last forever and dawn would approach just a bit later
watch the pus and blood explode through the bubbling pores from some random extra in Grindhouse
the protagonist jabs his blades to the crowd of oncoming zombies, making some small path for his love to hobble through in her sole leg
still the killing, breaking, eating of human flesh doesn’t penetrate to my subconscious
which lingers firming on your falanges interwined with mine
grasping with a mixture of fright, surprise, and belonging-ness
wishing the movie seat would somehow curve our bodies together so that I could bury my eyes in you chest instead of interlaced fingers
as the screen continues to capture the deluded minds of our society
trudged my tired body home from work in 3 inch heels
too eager to see you to have remembered to bring my flats
slipped off pants and dress
slipped on you. your smell. that concoction of irish spring soap, old spice, and something uniquely you
stirred a plethora of emotion, of calm, of love, of sex, and of nostalgia
noticed the theater ticket I’d slid into your breast pocket two nights before
smiled
went on with the night
somehow the wary voices of friends waned by my stubborn mind
still frightened of what may be
but eager to find out nonetheless
scared to ask the girlie questions that could break us once more
wondering how long this haze of utter joy could last
tearing in your arms at the happiness and supreme sadness that these moments can’t last longer
for the first time yearning to slip and birth a supposed mistake
wishing we could spend every day like this weekend
with our own lives but linked and synced
and for some reason knowing in the back of my mind that the success rate is less than optimal
driven by distance, family, and time
none of which are any good reasons and which only mask the fear that you don’t love me afterall
patience. someday i will conquer you.
hmm hmm delicious!
Current mood: chipper
So I said that I wouldn’t talk about the weekend except in hindsight, and it worked out really well! I had so much fun and actually attended most of my events. Friday after work was spent hanging out on the roof of my garage. I wanted to read some, but I just ended up sitting in my car thinking about life. Not even sure what that was, but it was nice that my mind got a break for a while. When I finally left, the sun was setting and the street lights were just coming on. Found out that the Ivy League mixer was at Sake Lab, which is in North Beach, and at 8pm on a Friday night looking for a spot was not fun, aka darn near impossible. Funny thing was I REALLY REALLY had to pee (I’m an adult; I can admit it), so finding parking was even more aggravating cuz the urge was impeding my judgment. Anyways, being the silly person I am, I ended up driving back to my garage, peeing, then driving to Union Square for Samala’s SUPERFLY.
Of course I was hella early and got to the parking spot at 8:30. Sat in my car and texted people. Got to have convos with Michael and Seth and Julija, coordinated with Relly and Ty about meeting up, and just watched the people go by and the cute little, ubberly expensive cafes slowly close down. I got to Otis at around 9:15 and there weren’t that many people there. Grabbed some free champagne and just struck random convos. Kyle, the host, was just jammin’ to the music, and we got to “conversatin’” for a while. Anthony was an amazing dj, and clearly, that’s the case with Chris as well. FYI, Chris and Samala are the same chick (teehee). Super talented, super smart, got her ish together, so it was appropriate that the party was called SUPEFLY ). I also ended up listening to this dope free stylist named Michaelangelo (sp?). He just let the rhythm dictate his flow and came up with lines just like that. I really appreciated his time cuz Oscar was telling me on Thursday about deserving to be pampered. I guess I’m learning that it’s not fair to expect someone to fall over themselves to spoil me, but I understand where Oscar’s coming from as well. I guess it’s about finding the right balance and the right person. Anyway, we (Mike and I) talked, and it would be amazing if I could design his site and maybe produce something with him. I’d have to learn about the producing music since I know nothing, but depending on if things follow through, I can always catch up on that as it comes.
Then Ty came at around 10:30. His cell phone had died, and I kinda forgot to tell him to park and then walk to 3rd and market, so my directions were kinda jacked up. But he finally got there, and of course I pounced on him. He got to meet Samala, and we hung out for like 2 secs. Relly called, but we’d already left and ended up going home…. and ate at Denny’s. Really glad that I have a late night spot for greasy food across the street from me, although I went half naked and was ffrreeeeezing!
Saturday, I got my oil changed (finally!). Talked to the guys there, and possibly can get rid of the three random cells I have on my hands so that I can upgrade to a nice Cingular phone. I have the Chocolate right now, which I love love love, but having a Verizon phone with Cingular service means ish reception basically 24/7. That’s increasingly painful, since I’m trying to build my network, and it would be nice if my network provided good service. Actually got to go to Feria Urbana on 9th and Lincoln. Wore my favorite new dress… well one of them. Walked around in the sun, bought a few things from the vendors, made good contacts and possibly will be designing sites for people and making collateral. I’m not sure if all these things will follow through, but it’s nice that I’m just trying to be friendly, coming out of my shell, and trying to get into my hustle. Seriously getting broke with all the expensive ahh things I’m buying. I think I spend at least $1000 updating to the spring/summer season, so I just need money to get back on track and get into the grind of networking. Walked around with Seher for a while, and then headed home.
Ended up going to the movies and seeing Grindhouse, which is seriously good and majorly scary and gorry (sp?). My spelling’s wack today. Moving on, the movie was really long, but it was adorable that I got to hold hands for 2hrs. I guess I’d never got to do those cutesy things, so even though they’re silly and completely irrelavant to the status of a relationship, it’s nice when I get to do them. Anyways, woke up today and went grocery shopping. Cooked my spaghetti. I’m trying to cook at home more, so it’s healthier and cheaper, and I tend to go through phases. I’m trying to change the food that I cook periodically, but while I’m still liking what I’m making, I might as well try and perfect the recipe. Turns out pasta sauce tastes great with smoked ham, a handful of spices, and sesame seed oil. Holla at mixing cultures in cooking. Seher and I were talking about… well more dreaming about opening a fusion restaurant together and just experimenting with hella ingredients and cooking styles. We’d also have short cooking sessions that focus on one cuisine every time to show people what typical spices for that certain culture and how to incorporate them into everyday food. I think that’s a hells dope idea.
Anyways, I just got home from visiting a potential rooming situash in Noe Valley, so I’m just chillin’. Really hoping to get back on track with keeping in touch with people. I’m glad that after all the lists of things I’ve made in the previous entries, I’m finally starting to come around. It’s especially nice that my mom’s warming up to Ty, and she feels a lot more secure about my future, now that I’m happy and not whiny and bitchy. I just talk to her about my plans. I think the more I talk, the more she feels like I’ve really grown up and can take care of myself and the less she bitches at me. On the other hand, I understand that when I’m tired after work, I don’t necessarily want to have these convos with her, and slowly, she’s getting that too.
Point being, life is great!! Got to run.. ttyl )
Updated: w.o.w. I promise promise promise I will actually proofread my next entry, so I don’t sound like a 4th grade retard. sorry…
20:28 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 27, 2007 – Friday
all dolled up…
This video is freakin’ amazing!!… slightly too lazy to embed it, so click away!
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/robots/doll-face-by-andy-huang-robot-gets-dolled-up-pays-ultimate-price-255500.php
14:56 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 25, 2007 – Wednesday
if i took a picture right now, you’d think i was 8 months pregnant
which is terribly sad actually…
I haven’t updated in a while… well not that long, but considering that i was posting about twice a day last week, it’s been a while. Everything is going pretty well, except for the whole diet thing. I still have no idea where I’ll be living in June. Still haven’t formally finished my California registration. Still have to change the oil on my car. BUT the flash class was pretty cool. It’s really beautiful in San Francisco, and hopefully, once I move into the city (and get a new phone), I’ll actually have decent reception and won’t have to go run to my car in the freezing nights to talk to people. I’m really excited about this weekend. I hate that I have so much in my schedule because I have a feeling that things are going to fall through. Every time I actually plan an elaborate schedule of cool events, something, actually most things end up giving. So I’m not going to talk about it except in hindsight. Just wish me luck that I get to do everything that I want to do this weekend.
It thought it was really cute that on Monday, I forgot my wallet in my car, so I only had an errant credit card in my pocket, and the lady at this restaurant in Chinatown just said, “Pay me back tomorrow.” It’s not very often nowadays that you have people trusting you. Of course I had already ordered, and the food would probably have gone to waste, but I thought it was sweet nonetheless. I actually went back yesterday and handed her $5; the lunch cost $4.62. She definitely had a surprised look on her face. The situation was probably abated by the fact that unlike what seems like so many Asians in San Francisco, I actually speak Mandarin and well might I add. It’s funny that I dress and act so American that people assume I was born in the states. I basically grew up here- 5 years in China, 3 in Germany, 10 in Houston, 4 in Phila, and now here. Yes, if you add up all the numbers, you can figure out that I’m 23 this year and somewhere in the addition I rounded up because I’m not quite 23 just year. I hope that I don’t have much of an accent in any language.
What’s quite interesting is that I spoke with several people about belongingness in that last week or so. It seems that most recent immigrant families, whose children grew up here, has issues with mixed identity. Chris was telling me that she thought it funny that the “Americans” growing up thought of her as Filipino (a?), but when she went back, people there definitely considered her “American”/I’m not sure how to phrase this in English, but something to the likes of “one who has come back.” I’ve never experienced that. I don’t remember much of growing up in China, but from Germany to the states, all the natives made it abundantly clear that I was an outsider. I never really minded because that’s all I came to know. I never really felt the need to fit in, be popular, have the pressure to be popular, or any of that mess. To me, I was always different. I guess that’s also another reason, among the list, that I don’t much hang out with people of one specific nationality. I just didn’t grow up with one. For the longest time, I felt like I didn’t know where home was. Chinese people are much more blunt that Filipinos in the way that when I went back to China, no one really called me Chinese. To them, I was “American”, no matter the passport, the citizenship, the nationality, or the birthplace. To “Americans” here, I was always Chinese… sometimes Korean and I think I got Vietnamese once, but mostly Chinese (wait…there are more than 3 countries in Asia?).
What’s also interesting is that I feel like the Chinese among most Asians tend to be supremely proud. I’m not saying that other nationalities aren’t, but we seem to be more so. I definitely got very offended when someone miscalled me a Vietnamese. It’s just horrible stereotypes, but growing up, I always felt being Chinese was somehow superior to the other nationalities. We were the ones with the heavy influences on food and culture. Of course we’re the biggest nation on the continent in population and land mass. Even among Chinese, there are subdivisions of northern and southern, or Mandarin speaking and Cantonese speaking respectively. Somehow speaking the dialect (it’s almost a different language because the pronunciation and I think some of the grammar is just different) of the national capital just seems better. Ironic, since the southerners are probably more pure blood Chinese, and the northerners were forced to mix with the Mongols. Yes, forced. There is a Great Wall for a reason. Obviously, it didn’t work so well… Maybe we should have made it out of latex…
…. nevermind.
I haven’t been able to sleep that well this week. I think it’s because I keep watching The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. True, it’s not the best plotline in the world. In fact it’s probably one of the worst, right above Bad Boys II and Too Fast, Too Furious, but the drifting is amazing. Funnily enough, I can also relate to Neela’s description of driving and not having to worry about any problems. There is no past or future, just the present and the control of a beast. It’s a beautiful feeling. A dreafully expensive, gas guzzling feeling but so true and paradoxically natural all the same (paradoxical because you’re in a man made machine of mostly synthetic fabrics with airbags, metal, and glass to prevent you from colliding with nature… or a railing). I should definitely take off this face mask and go shower.
By the way, I found a cute outdoor place that has these weird cushions and a huge pseudo step pyramid about a block from work. It’s pretty much in the public eye and not the private spot at lunch I was looking for, but no one really pays attention anyways, and if I lay on the top part, most people probably wouldn’t notice me at all. Just a little insects going about their daily tasks. I still think it’s jacked up that all the worker ants are female and all the drones do all day is have sex with the queen ant, who just eats and spits out more babies. It’s such a cushy job having sex all day and not taking leadership responsibility, although I guess you have to have sex with someone a lot bigger than you and you have to share. But how bad can that be? I doubt there is any feelings involved.
Ok, off to bed now. Night!
23:23 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 23, 2007 – Monday
21 questions
Current mood: mellow
where will i live after june?
who, if anyone, will i live with?
am i committing myself into yet another cycle, where nothing has really changed?
who actually reads this thing?
will i ever get over my random addictions?
why don’t i ever go to bed on time?
why do people with hold information from people they really care about? I mean information that won’t hurt the other person, just let them in a little.
am i just a mild entertainment to you?
if not, then why do i keep like you keeping wanting to use me?
when you were reading that previous statement, did you think i was talking about you and only you?
would provologne taste as good without the pork fat?
why do you basically dodge the question whenever i ask about your past?
is there such a thing as whirlwind, i can’t breathe or live without you love for everyone? or just some people?
are they lucky or fated?
what are the real chances of the other person “coming around”?
is it possible to find a dope spot, in a nice neighborhood, with parking without completely breaking the bank?
is it selfish to ask for someone who will spoil me rotten just because i want to be?
how many people will admit their supeficial without the craving to back it up with some other substantive character trait?
has anyone really gone through a tootsie pop lick by lick and counted the number a times it takes to get to the chocolatey center?
why do people lie to themselves and end up hurting both themselves and the other person involved?
how dangerous is it to get into a situation without definition?
if you have a third nipple, is it just as sensitive as the other two?
why is everything in california so bloody expensive?
am i actually beautiful or is that just something my friends and i are trying to convince me of?
did what’s his face actually ask 21 questions in his song? did anyone bother to check?
am i crazy or am i just not getting par?
what is par?
did anyone else notice that they changed the mascots of cookie crisp cereal?
… more random questions to come…
… maybe…
… if you’re good…
22:42 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 21, 2007 – Saturday
Turkey, Cous Cous, & Egypt
Dinner was pretty interesting. It was a discussion on the general political arena in Turkey and Egypt, their perception on Americans- culture, politics, society at large, and consumerism, and random interesting tidbits. I didn’t h ave much to add, but it’s so intriguing that there are people who care about the current climate and can pinpoint the countries on a map. Everyone seemed very nice… I just feel horribly disgusting right now because I went home today, ate, and fell asleep until 10 minutes before the dinner. I ended up being an hour late, but I brought wine and met cool people.
They’re stil talking right now, but I’m just gross and icky so I’m just chillin’ at Seher’s place.
Cleared things up with nipples last nigth and my mom as well. Things just kinda sucked towards the end of the week, but it’s really nice that I got things sorted out. Again, sorry. My mind is a bit booey cuz I’m still somehow groggy from sleep even though I’ve been mentally stimulated for the last 3 hours, plus some daydreaming.
22:13 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 20, 2007 – Friday
4.20
Current mood: crazy
It may not be college anymore, but there’s only one thing to do to do it up right: party!
So looking forward to Bembe tonight and finally going back to Mi Lindo Peru. Followed by a late nap and stimulating conversations of Turky and Egypt (what else could one possibly do on a Saturday night? P). Looking forward to this weekend.
Next Friday, Samala’s SUPERFLY at Otis. Possible future roomie, friend, and mad graphics collaborator.
Beautiful day. Incoming summer. It’s a great time to be alive… and you never know… there might just be a thilly thenny bouncing around
Lesson from Oscar: Learn but always love as if it is your first, aka leave your baggage at home, homes.
teehee on the emoticon… teeehee ^-o
16:18 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
how platonian of you
the cycles of conversations torment my mind, belying some widly insane need i seem to have as a woman
for wanting simple things like your attention or you time
hoping that by being patient enough, sexy enough, smart enough, giving enough, you will somehow willingly beckon for me
but you don’t
and I am left birthing these swirls of deductive reasonings, trying to inter-weave your and my premises into some underlying conclusion
fueled by our emotions and shared with no one else
yet I am left in some eye of the storm with too many opinions and this huge disparity between what I want and what you want
frustrated by your complacent eyes, your relaxed fingertips, never eager to reach out
I gave up
I stopped asking questions and accepted you as assumed because questions asked never led to a straight answer
simply an elaborate jumble of this and that to be revised, corrected, and then completely denied at some later point
I guess I wrongly assumed that Sunday and Thursday are simply days in the week
separately only by name and followed usually by work
so I assumed that my bed is ours as much as your bed is ours
I assumed wrong
I poked wrong
I spoke out wrong
supposedly…
so I gathered my things and gave you back your space
drove away and left you to your games
wrote this note and tried to shut my mind of you
not because I was pissed
because I was
but because you were cold
because you were
and after all the swirls of talks, losing myself to ambiguity and indecisiveness
asking questions without answers
and being asked to ask questions anyway
i am at a loss
you tell me what you want
because I don’t know anymore
Update: Have outbursts gotten a bad name?
What are outbursts exactly? A sharp shooting pain to express oneself made utterly inappropriate in a public situation? But it is okay around friends? What exactly defines a friend? Only good friends or will any do? Can outbursts serve to appease the pressure in your head? The pressure built by anger, frustration, infinite sadness, confusion, and a jumble of unknown emotions that are simmering to the point of explosion. Are outbursts all bad, or could they be a saving force from going crazy?
I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal with this emotion. To feel my whole body aching and whining to me, while my brain chants “you’re so stupid in so many ways” over and over and over. To feel your heart wrench into polar opposites. To hear yourself speaking like a 6th grade, like totally like. To fall asleep every night wanting to lie next to someone but having no one to look forward to.
I am wordless, thoughtless, functionless. I add no value at this moment in time. I don’t know what I’m doing. My life is listless. And I’m not sure who to believe or what to do anymore.
I love you too
when someone clearly doesn’t want me in their life and I folishly believe what they say
when the whole time I feel like I’m working my ass off, they seem to ignore me for them and schedule me in with them and forsake me for them
when they carry double standards of separation in their bed but somehow mine is community property
when they seem to carry all the information and call me out when I refuse to share, when clearly they haven’t given the slightest clue as to how they feel and what they are thinking
when it’s such a huge hassle for them to visit me because they have work in the morning, but it’s somehow not a big deal when I drive over in pouring rain but am prompted to leave… in pouring rain
when everyone tells me I deserve to be treated so much better, but I excuse away all of their behaviours because I care about them and I love them
when I give up my need for space and peace of mind for their happiness and needs but never seem to get the same gesture back
I especially love it when they let me go
all the time
everytime
They are so dependable in their lack of dependability; it’s quite hilarious in actuality
They’re so independent in their self; it’s quite reasonable that relationships are shelved
They’re so strong and great; it’s quite reasonable that they missed the same qualities in me
But what’s really great is that I love them all the same
And the foolish thing is that they were too cynical, too provincial to notice
So let love be loved
Let boyfriend be exed
Let bygones be bygones
Because I’m finally done with loving you
Peace, brotha. Play it smart. Protect yourself. Miss out on my love because…?
01:38 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 19, 2007 – Thursday
a moment of narcacism
So I’ve been gaining a lot of weight recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I wake up every night and drink about 1.5 litres of water or because I’m just a fat butt (doesn’t quite sound as good as the cursing version). I’m just starting to look more and more like a cousin of the manitee… or something.
Waiting for my knees to heal, but I seriously need to start getting my butt to exercising… saying this as I sip on my large cafe mocha with chocolate whipped cream. Not making myself join a gym because quite frankly, I need the money, but it’ll be nice just to walk around the city and tackle some of the hills.
The point is that it’s especially nice when guys do put themselves out there, make a … oh, ish!… um… poopie face out of themselves, and get left hanging when they just randomly say remarks on the street. For instance, I was walking to the bank just now, and these two guys were randomly talking about something. I didn’t pay enough attention to what. In the middle of speaking, one of the guys just goes, “Oh, holy Goddess” as I walked by. Of course, it was quite flattering given my first paragraph where I think I look like crap. I mean I’m wearing this skirt today because it’s draw string and can actually go over my ever-expanding stomach. It was cute, and I went to the bank, deposited my measly check for parking reimbursement. On the way back, I’d forgotten totally about this dude, so I recrossed the street to get back to my building. Passing by, the guy says, “You need to know that you are fine!” This time, it definitely brought a smile to my face. He kept talking about something or other, but I didn’t bother to listen. Those two lines were enough. And the nice thing is that he wasn’t a crazed homeless guy wandering the streets, randomly shouting giberish. True, he wasn’t a suit either but just a normal guy.
It’s slightly sickening how I gauge how important someone’s compliment is on a social scale, but the truth is that the higher up you are, the nicer you look, and the less likely you would say something outrageous on the street, the probability of me actually dating you goes up exponentially.
In other news, I was tutoring my student again last night. He had been away on a trip for the past week or so. I’m not going to go into the details because he’s still a kid and there’s just no need to divulge information about him. The point is, I was having dinner with his mom after tutoring, which I sometimes do because we get along quite well. She asked about my boyfriend, and I remarked that we’d broken up. He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I’m not going to wait. So she mentions that she has a potential for me. He’s a PhD at Stanford, studies IT (something spicy about engineers… *hmmm*), is supremely intelligent and intellectual, wants to date someone, and has a great personality. Now I’m thinking, eeehhh getting set up. However, he does seem very much of a potential on paper. Of course the chances of us liking each other is slim, and the chances that I’m going to go through a Jewish wedding ceremony (or any other religious ceremony) is even slimmer. BUT, should I take the chance and maybe meet a great person, at least be friends? Or would the awkwardness of being set up ruin any chances of us just being friendly. I don’t think I’d necessarily want to date him, but I’m always up for meeting new people and just getting to know who they are, what they like, and what they think. I’m not sure what I would do…
Also, yesterday Seher and I were talking about the Penn Alumni lecture tonight on the Media and Entertainment Industry (check it out), and I finally signed up to be a Penn Club member. I was always under the impression that membership would cost about $250 a year; maybe that’s the American Marketing Association. It ended up only being $60 for two years. Given that I paid… let’s see… $28,000 a year for 10 classes, so $2,800 per class. Then there’s about 13 weeks of classes, which is over $200 a week, so a little over $100 per class? This is a real bargain. Especially since I’ve started to miss the multimillion dollar Lippincott (aka Wharton) library and going to intellectual lectures, instead of the “business” ones I’ve experienced. I really understand now that Wharton was definitely worth every penny.
The point is we were discussing Penn Alumni events, and we’d just missed out on the speed dating thing two days ago. It would be incredibly fun just to try it once. I’m not planning on actually meeting someone, as much as it would be interesting to see what people would say about themselves in a limited time frame; it’s funny to gauge how serious someone is and thinks that he/she will meet someone, and I don’t mean a casual relationship. So hopefully, we can find a free one in the city and try it out. What’s more interesting is if we were to do it in Berkeley, Oakland, San Francisco, and San Jose, and then loosely analyze the type of men we meet. Of course it wouldn’t be a representative sample of men in all four cities, but it would be somewhat of a representative sample of the types of men who go to speed dating in each of those four cities…
What else is new? I am very much in love with Gizmodo. It’s great that I get to read it as a part of work to get me used to the tech sphere, but even not, it’s supremely interesting. I love Jason Chen’s acerbic wit and dry reviews of new products and releases, but it’s always nice to see someone so passionate about what he writes. Yes, I have a teeny tiny crush on the man. No, I’m not going to become his stalker. Marie mentioned that he works in the bay, and I should ask him out for lunch or drinks sometimes just to chat, but I’m definitely too scared to do that. Actually too intimidated. I would have no idea what to say. I’d probably look like an idiot. And I just don’t know enough about the products, the industry, or the people to really make any relevant remarks, so that he gets something out of the conversation as well. All I would probably do is sit there and drool… or something… What is with men who are into technology and are wittily sarcastic? Yum!
Yesterday was so gorgeous out. It was nice and warm in the sun and slightly chilly and breezy in the shade. I had lunch with OS… I mean Leroy (:oP– inside joke) at the Ferry Building yesterday. Found a great place for juicy, meat filled, guacamole spread hamburgers and some killer fries. Ate overlooking the Bay Bridge and Treasure Island. Joked with an old classmate. Made sarcastic and somewhat snide remarks… in a nice joking way of course. It was perfect. I left feeling like I was floating on air. He is just so adorable that I want to squeeze him… not like a pimple… more like a teddy bear. Thought I’d make that distinction. It was great!
I think that’s it for now. This is a ridiculously long post covering a multitude of topics. My attempt to use a larger vocabulary and stop sounding like an idiot, spoiled ditz isn’t working as well as initially planned. Poop.
P.S. Hi, nipples… teeheeehee
10:54 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 17, 2007 – Tuesday
Sarcasm Galore
This is a conversation I had with a friend today. Anything that’s *word*, **** is just used to protect my butt, so I don’t have those people tossing eggs at me while I’m walking. Evidently, I have trouble walking as is (see previous post), so I really don’t need anyone helping me fall and look like an idiot. I miss being dry…aka sarcastic… aka get your mind out of the gutter…
[16:36] Friend: hes fucking me up a lot right now..
[16:36] Friend: he is so fucking laissez faire and condescending
[16:38] me: oh but he’s such an angel and he’s really hurting
[16:38] me: i mean he didn’t really do anything to you….
[16:38] me: you kissed him right?
[16:38] me: clearly, you’re just being jaded
[16:39] me: you should be blessed to have someone as special and wonderful like that in your life
[16:39] me: he’s just so sensitive and GOOD
[16:39] Friend: im not an anrgy resentful bitch
[16:39] Friend: and hes making me sound like it
[16:39] me: i mean, maybe you just have a different, aka wrong philosophy on life, but you should seriously stop the hating and just lov ehim for the wonderful person that he is
[16:39] Friend: like u might as well let it go if ur gonna hold onto anger
[16:39] Friend: im only angry bc i hurt
[16:40] Friend: and if i let myself get angry i just end up crying after
[16:40] Friend: …idiot
[16:40] me: you silly girl, when you grow up to be a big strong woman like *girl’s name*, you’ll really understand the wonders of *boy’s name*s
[16:40] Friend: right
[16:40] me: maybe you’re just being slighty immature
[16:40] Friend: fucking …i see the world bigger than your petty drama shit
[16:40] Friend: REALLY
[16:40] Friend: you see things bigger?
[16:40] me: of course!
[16:40] Friend: which is why you wont marry because of my religion or because i know *boy* and other **** heads?!
[16:40] Friend: really?!
[16:41] me: sweetie, open up your eyes. i mean of course he’s possessive he has every right to dictate who you do or do not associate with
[16:41] me: as a friend but ESPECIALLY as a boyfriend
[16:41] me: i mean what’s wrong with you?
[16:41] me: and the religion thing is just silly… i mean clearly you should forsake all your philosophical and religious beliefs
[16:42] me: you just don’t meet someone as wonderful, dedicated, SENSITIVE, and giving like *boy’s name* everyday
[16:42] me: *boy*, *boy*, and every other good guy you’ve dated, is just a figment of your imagination
[16:42] me: *boy’s name* is the only one
[16:42] Friend: self-centered and self-righteous is more like it
[16:42] me: he is like GOD
[16:42] Friend: hahhaha
[16:42] me: i mean I see it
[16:42] me: and I don’t even have the blessing to be as close to him as you
[16:43] me: why have you forsaken the only good man ever in life!!
[16:43] me: you silly silly girl!!
17:00 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 16, 2007 – Monday
Why torn jeans and heels make for a dangerous cocktail…
The interesting part about wearing jeans too long for you is that when you wear flat, you step on the back of your jeans. After a while, they start to tear, meaning that you have a hole in the back of your jeans. Well, that’s not a proble, you say. It’s almost a fashion statement to wear low-rider, baggy jeans. What’s your point, silly?
Well, when you do decide to wear heels, sometimes the heel could get caught in the hole of your jeans. Still, not a problem, but sometimes one of your heels gets caught in the other hole of your pants. Sometimes your heel doesn’t make its way back out of the hole before you try to take another step. Sometimes… you just trip and fall on your face. In the ferry building… at lunch time… with your coworker, who you look up to…
It really hurts. I think I bruised my knees. The skin’s completely off, and it’s supremely painful, i.e. I can’t really bend them without pain, walk on anything that isn’t level ground, or have water running down my legs, which makes showers especially painful. *ow-iiieeeee*
Even worse, I wore off the leather on my brand new Zara heels AND I tore my jeans. *tear*… Clearly, I’d rather have those issues than completely tear off my knees because I wore a skirt or dress, but that’s besides the point. Just something interesting that happened at work today.
…knees still hurt…
20:47 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
droll list, a.k.a. a great reason to save or make more money
1. iPhone:
The question being is it really worth it to shell out $600 (plus tax) for ‘the most advanced piece of technology’ and of course a sleek, modern design. Well… probably not, given that the first generation of most things in life are bugged full, the OS is proprietary- remember paying the jacked up prices for iPod accessories in the beginning? It’s a whole new world with the iPhone. Old friend Stevey (Jobs) has actually delayed the release of Leopard to finish the iPhone (old news), but do those extra wizard mac programming hands mean a completely finished product at the end of the day? I have no idea. Afterall, I’m not a programmer, but let’s just say for now, I’m not willing to shell out that much of my measly salary to be labeled an early adopter. But it is on my watch list, and if I ‘happen’ to get one, for oh say, Christmas or my birthday, I’d be more than happy to jump up and down with joy.
2. Adobe Creative Suite 3
*droooool* For a designer wannabe, web, graphics, and digital art, this is a must have. Yes, I’m still working off CS/CS2 software, and I’m quite aware that running the programs on your computer, one god forbid two or more, is like asking the computer to have vigorous sex for 5hrs straight. BUT me likieeeee. The new CS3 includes all the basic editting programs, like Illlustrator, Photoshop, InDesign, Professional with the added acquisition of Macromedia’s Flash and its web designer DreamWeaver. Supposedly this new suite tightly integrates all Adobe elements to creatively allow for any type of editing from print, web, mobile to interactive, film, and video production. Sure you have to shell out $1799 for the full version, but for those of you who already are addicts, it’s a $599 upgrade, which seems to be a popular price figure for anything “revolutionary” nowadays, see iPhone or PS3. Besides, along with a nifty little tablet, you can actually make money doing freelance work with this baby, versus the iPhone… which allows you to um… play music… and check your mail… whoooo. Now, if only CS3 came with Premiere, I’d be punching in my credit card number and forsaking my excellent credit rating once and for all.
3. will update more as I think of them… but for now…
Iconix’s HD Camera eggs allows for some hot hot spying without losing image quality… Great for stalking your next prey. Sorry attorney not included.
16:49 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Please sir, can I have some more?
Current mood: confused
I decided to completely turn off my brain yesterday night and just go with the flow. After a weekend of waverings, I just wanted to indulge myself and go for what I wanted. I even bought ice cream (oh, if only I had had the ice cream instead).
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, enjoying the scent of my nonchalance, and not caring that I was late for work… again. But sitting here, talking to my friends about what I’ve done, I know at the end of the day it isn’t healthy for me. Not caring about the future is going to end up hurting me because I’m the one who wants a future and I’m the only person who seems to want a future. I’m really torn, but I think I just need to sit down and talk things through… again.
In some ways, breaking up is like quitting smoking. You know that it’s not good for you because it’s not something you’re committed to or should be committed to, but you just get the urge to do it one more time anyway.
Boo… I have such an addictive personality.
Update: remind to self- doing things without thinking is good only if you carry through. To do it and then to think it through afterwards is just asking for a whole world of painful consequences. Bad, Jany. Think, next time! Think with your head and… bah! It’s all my fault… *sigh*
09:29 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 15, 2007 – Sunday
i’m a one eyed asian cyclops!
Current mood: ditzy
that’s terribly redundant, but it’s true! i just realized that if you look closely, you can’t actually see any evidence of my… wait.. um… right eye in the pictures.
um… that is all. STILL haven’t done my taxes. Teehee. Next year, I’m so hiring a tax consultant because I just can’t be bothered. Whatever, I’ll spend $100 less on shoes, so no Kate Spades, but at least I won’t have to worry about it. There are just so many forms and paperwork. I’m happy being the public relations, semi-faux ditzy Asian girl. What’s up with having to actually use my brain?
Maybe the headband is just tight on my head. Okie Dokes, I’m going to try and concentrate on adding lines 1-37 for box 38. P Just wanted to say hie. Hieeeeee!!!
Taxes are extended, B!!
Just had a great dinner with Chris. She really cheers me up, and i think she’ll be a great vibe to have in my life if we end up living together. Right now, I’m leaning towards having roommates and living in the city right now because I reallly need to be around people. I know that I will meet people in Oakland, but as vunerable as I am presently, especially as seen through my last post, I think that it would do be a world of good to be somewhat accessible to friends I already have in my life. So I would love to live in Oakland, but I think it would be better to live in San Francisco and walk around. I think if I end up living where Chris is living right now, I can actually walk home from work. If you don’t know what the weather is like here, it’s sunny, fresh, cool (although a bit on the cold side), and perfect for a 40 minute walk. Besides, I’ll actually start using my iPod again, which for the fact that my dad spent so much money on it, has really not gotten as much use as it’s worth.
I keep vacillating between being very optimistic and serene about what’s happened and how my life is going, and being completely fatalistic, depressed, and somehow incapable of crying, even though it’s the release I really need. That’s probably normal for anyone in my situation. Hopefully, I’ll be able to stabilize my emotions and start being more productive again. There are so many things I want to do and want to get to facilitate my process. For example, I’m interested in establishing a great blog with mixes of intellectual conversations, product reviews, and just entertaining rants. I think I’m pretty good at that, since quite a few people have commented verbally on how funny I am when I get passionate and rant about some topic. From the politically incorrect and insulting ex-Japanese Prime Minister to how the melting pot of cultures in San Francisco has facilitated acceptance, but not necessarily understanding and exploration. I want to learn how to “pimp out” (so overused) my blog and add more interactive elements, including the ability to work equally well with Mozilla and IE. I have to say IE definitely stepped it up with their tab browsing, and the face that Facebook and Adobe both work with IE outways any minor advantages of Mozilla, such as automatically signing in to all my accounts for me. I want to buy a tablet, so I can start drawing on photoshop, instead of having my mouse and majorly sucking.
Just hanging out at Seher’s place right now, putting together her uber cool (but ugly shaded) lamp. It’s not that bad at all, considering it’s so adjustable in terms of size, arch, dimmer, and it’s definitely a lot cheaper than the $5G Design Within Reach one. Her place is turning out so cute. I mean she’s spending mad money, but I actually love every single piece. From her bathroom soap and wash cloths to her art deco brand spanking new lamp and book shelf, every piece is specifically picked out, thought out, and budgeted. I just love it… Awww…
I don’t think there’s much else to discuss today. Oh, I drove past an accident on 101 going South. There were no cars, ambulances, or tow cars left, but it freaked the ish out of me because there was broken glass and tiny car parts all over the road. Seher and her dad drove through as well, and she said it was a 6 car pile up, and it wasn’t so bad, but having only seen the leftovers, I silently prayed to God that those people were okay. It really put things into perspective. It’s such a blessing that I’ve gone through life, so far unscathed, except for some emotional blemishes here and there. I’m really thankful for that. I’m not exactly sure who reads this blog (yes, I’m working on promoting it… it’s on my to do list, promise), but I hope you give thanks to the precious people in your life and if you pray, thank whoever you pray to for being the wonderful you.
It’s 1am. I’m glad taxes aren’t due until the 17th. Ima go hang with my girl now. Peace, love, and harmony… let me sound like a non-Chinese trying to be all zen P.
00:18 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 14, 2007 – Saturday
numbness
not sure if it’s my friend or my enemy. not sure if i need to move forward or take time to reflect. all i know is that i hate the utter sadness and vulnerability. numbness is what i need right now. although speaking of needs, i need to be held, to be loved, to be validated. to know that i’m worth something to somebody. someone to love all of me. not just the cute side or the happy side or the witty side. to understand that sometimes i just don’t feel like talking. it’s enough just to hear someone’s voice, to lie in someone’s arms, just to be. i’m not sure who i can go to for that right now. seems like everyone’s pretty much leading their own lives after college. it sucks. i mean it’s great, but it sucks that i have no one to run to. to just sit with and not talk or have to participate. to be able to cry the emotions i’ve been holding in all week b/c i know i’ll have to get up in the morning and work. i need someone to brush through my hair and kiss my tears as they fall through my eyelids. to gently brush my cheeks and squeeze my arm. to hold me tight and relish in my desolation. not to cheer me up or cop a laugh, but to respect that i’m hurting right now. probably more than i ever have. just to be there, all the way there. not distracted by things around. to look in eyes as if we’re the only two beings in existence in that second in time. and to gently fall asleep in their arms.
i’m so exhausted, but i can’t sleep. i don’t know what i want anymore. there’s nothing really to look forward to in my days. being alive isn’t a treat at the moment. i just want to cry and cry and cry, but something in me isn’t allowing it. my defenses are telling me to brush this off and get past it. if you pretend it doesn’t matter or it doesn’t hurt, maybe it won’t.
it’s funny because i always felt like i was way out on the ledge and it stayed that way. and now i have to get myself back onto the boat again by myself. as if the other person never ventured out there; it’s all in my demented little mind. and i know that can’t be true. true this isn’t ken. but i know i hurt him so much. maybe more than i hurt myself. from lessons learned, that’s probably the case now.
sometimes i don’t believe anyone will ever speak those three words to me and meant it. that this is just a fluke god played to tempt me and regain faith, when there really isn’t a god to begin with. there’s that anecdote that jesus is with us and when there’s only one set of footsteps in the sand, it was because he was carrying us. well my soul and body are tired, but i feel like i’m trekking on by myself with no one to carry me. to help me with my burden or carry my weight. i can’t seem to depend on anyone right now.
what’s the point of risking everything for love when it hurts to goddamn much? i don’t really think i can even remember how giddy and happy i was. vaguely it registers in my mind, but the feeling itself is gone. but a dab in my bedsheets can bring back all the odor-filled memories. i just want to be able to cry. or at least sleep.
01:51 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 13, 2007 – Friday
interesting fact
i overuse the word “beautiful”. not sure if it’s b/c i don’t think of myself that way necessarily or because i don’t think others think of me that way. cute, creative, quirky, bouncy, manic? all yes. beautiful? eh… I’ll wait until I’m 30 to “accept myself”.
00:01 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 10, 2007 – Tuesday
Driving down the coast
I was supposed to see Ty that night, but he ended up having to work on the weekend, including on his day off. So instead of waiting for him to call, I made plans to hang out with Oscar. I don’t really remember when he came over; I think it was around 8pm or so. I really wanted to see the ocean that night, but the fog was rolling in. It was supposed to rain on Saturday and then clear up for Easter Sunday. So he drove on 92, down to Highway 1. We couldn’t drive up north because the fog was going to roll in heavier up north. So we ended up driving down south to Santa Cruz… well towards Santa Cruz. We drove south of 84, and Oscar showed me the cute place I could take Ty. There were two tiny little driveways that leads to a path down the cliff. One of them is really deserted and has dunes, so if you walk all the way end to the beach, and do stuff. The other one had these rocks that rose out of the water. When it’s low tide, you could walk in between then, and it really beautiful. I didn’t get to see these places because it was fog and lightly raining outside. Anyways, we drove to a spot that had sand by the road. There was a clear drop off to the Pacific, and the horizon was beautiful. We parked the truck with the bed facing towards the ocean and just sat there and talked. It was beautiful. The mountains were in the background, and the ocean was in front of us. We just talked. A lot about Ty and N. That’s what we usually talk about. Then, I asked him about God. Interesting enough, he said that he definitely believed. We shared a lot of similarities. We both think that there are a lot of intelligent people, who believed in God. Plato for one, who I have great respect for. I think through the experiences in my life, we both believe that there has to be a God. I’m not sure I want to go through all of it. Anyways, I had the urge to see Ty, so we ended up leaving. It took over an hour to get to 280 because 84 was really windy. It was a beautiful road, but a little creepy in the redwoods. It was pretty nice drive. We just ended up driving, and Oscar pointed out the house that he wanted to live in some day. However, it was just really dark and foggy outside. But I could see, even in the dark, that it was huge. It must have spanned an entire block, lengthwise. When we finally got to 280, Ty had left a message, but I couldn’t reach him because it was 11pm. I guess he was really tired, so he went to sleep. Oscar and I were both pretty tired, so we wanted to find a place to eat. I’d never took Farmhill Road, so we did that and passed by Caniada College. We drove onto El Camino, but nothing was really open. I wanted pizza, so we went to Pronto Pizza in the city on Eddy and Van Ness. It took a while, but we walked through Yuerba Buena Gardens. I thought that I had been there, but I’ve only been to the part by the Metreon. The Gardens itself had a slide, an ice skating rink, a bowling alley, a cafe, nice walkways, and a merry-go-round. It was so beautiful. We sat by the chairs in Samovar that over looked the entire SF skyline. On the right was SFMOMA. Finally, a rent-a-cop kicked us out. I think it was 2am at the time. So Oscar drove me home. It was so beautiful. I loved the spiritual connection. I love that we were able to bond. I love that type of bonding with anyone. It was so deep and great. I would loved to have gone with Ty, but unfortunately, I doubt he was the type to truly enjoy the experience. Sadly, that just sucks.
So Saturday rolls around. I was supposed to hang out with Shawn and help him find clothing. His photo business seems to have really gone well, so it’s nice to know him in that regard. Besides, he’s a genuinely smart and great person. That was phrased badly, but he’s cool nonetheless. Anyway, he ended up falling asleep because I’m pretty sure that he spent the entirety of last weekend working and doing a photo shoot for an event planner. Then, I was supposed to hang out with Ty, but I found out that he spent the entire day playing video games, and then fell asleep when he said that we were supposed to hang out. Funny story is that we said we’d meet at 10:30. Except that I ended up driving over to his place, and he to mine. That was totally silly, but he finally came over. We talked until 3am or so.
It sucks, but we’re not together anymore. I hate that I never got to do those things with him, but I don’t think that he was the right person for me. He’s not ready for something so serious, but and I hate admitting this, I don’t think he’s the right person for me. I want someone who is stronger and more active, both physically, verbally, and intellectually. I really want to do more things, like go hiking, see more of the bay and explore, but I don’t think he’s the right person for me to do those things with. I believe that he’s happy where he is and okay with just hanging out, but I think that that isn’t necessarily what I want to do. It’s really sad. We spent most of last night crying. Well I cried a lot, and he cried a little. Point being, it just outright sucks right now. Even though I really just want to run back to him, I know that I can’t. I think that he’s a great experience and a great friend, but I will be much better off just moving on. I’m really excited to move in June. I think I’m going to go to Oakland, near Lake Meritt. It’s going to be in a city, but it won’t be as expensive as San Francisco. Also, it’s right across the bay, so I’ll be able to take the train into work, and hopefully, everything will just work itself out. I do know that if my next job is in South Bay, then I’ll be totally screwed, but one thing as a time.
I’m really glad I took the time to write this. I keep using the same words and am very distracted by House. It’s a pretty good episode, so it’s just hard to concentrate on writing about my life.
Today was the first official, Jany’s single again day. I think things will calm down, but I got a lot of people talking and texting me today, so it was rather productive. My co-workers were also really nice, especially Kevin, who was great at making me laugh, when I told him that I was on the market again. I think I’m going to just take time to myself though because I need to not rebound and go nuts. I really want to just do me and get my stuff together, so that I can get money and not be so broke. I also need new clothes, but I’m so broke, I’m not sure how I can afford it. Don’t ask. It’s really hard to afford such an expensive place, especially since most people my age, living in New York or San Francisco don’t have to drive to work, pay so much for gas, and just generally afford a car. Therefore, I think that it’s just more expensive… Anyway, I’m going to stop writing. This is a long entry.
19:04 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 12, 2007 – Thursday
spring flower, wedding showers
I had never been to one before today, but I decided that it would be fun to help organize one. Afterall, I love event planning, and it’s always wonderful to see the faces of the surprisee, when a whole room full of people have somehow managed to keep quiet for two weeks.
So KR, from SHIFT, is getting married. I’ve always admired her calm composition, and the more I find out about her, the more intrigued I become. For example, she loves Ann Taylor, and quite contrary to what I believe to be the stereotypical Ann Taylor patron wedding, hers is small, quirky, and colorful. During the event planning meeting, I wore a white, turquoise, and pink sweater top. Imagine my surprise, when I walk in the room, to have C and J exclaim that her dress were exactly those colors. It was supposed to be a sari, but no one around her seemed to know how to wrap one, so she ended up going with a traditional Indian tunic and pants. Note: She’s not Indian; in fact, she’s pretty pale and has the beautiful brown eyes and hair of a Caucasian. Instead of a wedding cake, she’s spending the last few days before the ceremony baking chocolate chip cookies for everyone. And instead of having booked a venue and dress a year in advance, her dress isn’t quite ready yet, and I believe her wedding is a week or two from now. Wow… that’s very gutsy. So unique.
Because her own wedding was going to be fairly low budget and rather unconventional, we decided to give her some of the traditional elements of a wedding. The surprise was at noon, and everyone was waiting quietly and giggling around 11:55am in the morning (that was just for you, v ). The calendar schedule had said lunch-n-learn, so K came in thinking that she was going to have to take notes and with her pen, paper, and pre-wedding diet salad all ready. Her face was of utter confusion, when we all yelled out “SURPRISE!!”
First, we toiled papered her a wedding gown, including my idea of braiding the TP to decorate and a huge bow like the tacky 80s gowns. Afterwards, we made her to a trivial quiz of questions from G, her fiance, who helped coconspirate and attended the wedding shower/lunch. For every question she got wrong, she had to stuff a marshmallow in her mouth, so her answers became more and more jumbled, as she missed more and more questions. We handed out pink hearts (yay spending an hour to make the hearts and design the box to go in it, while the IT guy fixed all the annoying quirks on my computer), and everyone had to write something deep about marriage or relationships. I think I wrote something like “Relationships are like children. They may be painful something, but they are also the greatest blessing.” My cubemate wrote, “Marriage is like a plant. You have to water it.” Teehee. Because I collected the cards to put back into my homemade box, I got to read quite a few of them. Later on, there was a couple quiz, where everyone had to write in the first names of TV couples. I think I got like 3.5 out of 14, but Kevin, another cubemate (four cubes to a section), won a $10 Starbucks card. The next game was the most hilarious. The guys and C rolled up their pant legs, and KR had to figure out which of the legs belonged to her fiance, while blindfolded of course. She was strange adept and pinpointed G easily. After a lunch of sandwiches and delicious raspberry chocolate cake with white frosting (this was actually the only cake associated with the wedding on account of the chocolate chip cookies), the shower was over.
I have to say, during the planning meeting, I definitely thought that some of the events were a big tacky. But the shower went without a hitch, and it was so adorable, especially when G mentioned that one of the qualities that made him girlie is that he loves to cuddle. All in all, it was a fabulous event. Not to make this completely about me again, but I’m glad that I can finally be happy for the people around me, even though my own relationship just fell into the abyss.
Yay I can’t wait until the next event, which shouldn’t be too long, since SF and EB are both engaged or about to be.
On another note, I found some really good food yesterday by my office, called Chez Charla (I think). It’s slightly on the expensive side but oh so delish.
I need to wash my sheets because I can still smell him. Also, I have no clothes.
Spring in SF and the bay in general is so beautiful. I love being around the financial district because as shallow as this may sound, having random men check me out, definitely gives me a confidence boost. I wore my cute white shirt that I can’t believe still fits because I bought it in high school and I’ve definitely grown at least 4 sizes since then, and a brand new skirt from Nordstroms. Along with my Momenti flats for walking and Michael Kors nautic heels for the office, I looked quite cute today. Some guy definitely yelled out “you so sexy” on my walk back to the garage. Great ending to a great day!…. Now if someone will actually do my taxes for me…. Teehee.
It’s 7pm, and I should stop procrastinating. I think I’m going to go do that right now. I’m supposed to hang out with Seher, Ant, and possibly Samala this weekend, so I’m not sure when I’ll have time to do taxes (ick ick ick).
18:33 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 11, 2007 – Wednesday
on the market
Current mood: exhausted
it’s weird. I haven’t been off the market for that long, but it’s kind of weird to be single again. It’s kinda refreshing, kinda depressing, and just plain… weird. I can’t decide if I want to move into the city with a roommate OR move to Oakland and get to live by myself by the lake. I fear that at my budget I can’t get that bombas$ apartment (my willingess not to curse has got me into some interesting spelling/word variations) that I want. But then, at anyone’s budget, are they really satisfied with what they could get? Unless they’re super lucky at their job (and salary) and super lucky with finding the right apartment. I’m really excited about being able to live in the city again, and “supposedly”, according to Seher, Kevin, and a host of others, there are some fine men in Oakland. I mean I’m totally open to meeting a girl, but it’s incredibly difficult to meet a great guy, what are the chances of meeting a bi/lesbian girl. Besides, I’ve seen way too many butch girls and not enough just plain cute ones.
Moving on, I can’t wait to go back to philly or new york. I’m starting to really like it here in the bay, but I really miss the northeast, and I wish that I had the money to visit all the places I want. I guess this is when a consulting job would come in handy, although I would hate to have travel so much. I have no idea what that job is like, but I don’t think I would like the hours. Maybe I do need to live with rommates. I mean that equated to an automatic network to potential friends and friends’ friends. And even if they’re yuppy, at least I will get someone to just watch TV with on nights I don’t particularly feel like going out. So… new place. Hopefully continuation of beautiful job, laid back boss, and manageable hours. Having fun with just being single and not caring about the next boy around the corner. It’s really hard to say, “I’m just going to do me”, when you’re all tied down. But the uh… what’s it called? light at the end of the tunnel? the something edge of the rainbow? silver lining? is that as much as it sucks to break up with someone, at some point you have to realize that it’s over and well, it’s just time to move on and focus on being a better self. … or something like that.
It’s only been… what? 2, 3 days and counting, but I guess when the other person changes their status, it just really hits you. It’s silly small things like that that seems to hit home so much more than the actual departure. I think I just need to go out and really have a night out. To dance. To maybe have a couple of drinks (no, not an alcoholic, just haven’t had a drink in… um… like two, three months?). To meet interesting new people. I haven’t done that in a long long while, and I’m so looking forward to it. Here’s hoping that Seher’s actually free because I’m not sure what else I’d ben doing on a Friday night.
I remember reading a story about how a girl went to college and immediately had a boyfriend. They ended up breaking up, but she hated that she chose a boy over making friends because during the time when everyone else was meeting each other, she was stuck to boy. I almost feel like that right now. Yes, I do know people in the bay, but I really wish that I had gone out more and met more people. Even if they aren’t my best buds in the whole wide world, it’s nice to be able to go out and hang with someone on the weekend. Especially when all I want to do is mope around at home, watch a movie, and cuddle. So yup… there you go.
I’m really excited about going shopping with Wawi on Friday. I think it would be so much fun. I haven’t fully updated my spring collection, and I wouldn’t mind having to move more clothes. Afterall, I’m hoping that I get help (crossing fingers because that would really suck, if only Seher and Faran were there). Ironically, I’ve already given T the lecture about how strict the muslim guidelines for hanging out with the opposite sex is, even though we didn’t last until my move… life is funny sometimes.
Bah! I’m optimistic about the future, but I’m just so bitter at the same time. *sigh* I guess this is “natural”, whatever that means. Okay, am going to stop talking about it now. Just hope this will all go away. Enjoy the great weather. Enjoy life. Enjoy the fact that if I move into the city, I can actually go museums b/c it’ll be practically next door, and I am seriously praying that my procrastination and laziness doesn’t keep me from going. Teehee…
Okie, I’m going to go eat now. I’m not sure why I’m so hungry, but I am…
20:17 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
So…my birthday’s coming up in…3 months or so…
And I know exactly what I want for my birthday:
The Apple iPhone: $599… at least
Capping literally years of speculation on perhaps the most intensely followed unconfirmed product in Apple’s history — and that’s saying a lot — the iPhone has been announced today. Yeah, we said it: “iPhone,” the name the entire free world had all but unanimously christened it from the time it’d been nothing more than a twinkle in Stevie J’s eye (comments, Cisco?). Sweet, glorious specs of the 11.6 millimeter device (that’s frickin’ thin, by the way) include a 3.5-inch 480 x 320 touchscreen display with multi-touch support and a proximity sensor to turn off the screen when it’s close to your face, 2 megapixel cam, 4GB or 8 GB of storage, Bluetooth 2.0 with EDR and A2DP, WiFi that automatically engages when in range, and quad-band GSM radio with EDGE. Perhaps most amazingly, though, it somehow runs OS X with support for Widgets, Google Maps, and Safari, and iTunes (of course) with CoverFlow out of the gate. A partnership with Yahoo will allow all iPhone customers to hook up with free push IMAP email. Apple quotes 5 hours of battery life for talk or video, with a full 16 hours in music mode — no word on standby time yet. In a twisted way, this is one rumor mill we’re almost sad to see grind to a halt; after all, when is the next time we’re going to have an opportunity to run this picture? The 4GB iPhone will go out the door in the US as a Cingular exclusive for $499 on a two-year contract, 8GB for $599. Ships Stateside in June, Europe in fourth quarter, Asia in 2008.
A girl can dream…
FYI: Steve (Jobs)- you’re welcome for the free advertisement…. not that you need it of course.
aww… i’m so adorable
… and a huge slacker b/c i should be working and i’m reading through past blogs…
Jany’s Ideal Mate:
Passionate about work, ambitious
Extraverted, talkative at times but can be calm
Nice, friendly
Expertise to offer (can learn from them)
Honest, Open
Fun, not too serious
Looks manly but cute too
Someone knowledgeable, analytical (can debate issues with)
I sounds soooo like a 19 year old, bright-eyed doe in that description. The sad thing is that, that was only 2 years ago. True, I’m not that much older now, but I sure hope I’m wiser… Let’s see if I can’t make a better list::
Passionate- professionally and personally
Intelligent- ability to pick up on people and subjects
Spiritual- just the meaning, not the connotations, includes curiosity about God, existence, experiences good and bad
Introspective- knows what he wants, who he wants, and when he wants it
Great daddy qualities- well… cuz at some point I do want the whole nuclear, white picket fence ish… without the picket fence
Complements my: schedule, ambitions, life goals, emotional expressions, sex drive, willingness to try new things- all kinds of new things… oh yeah… teehee
Understands my: random emotions/personalities, childish yet mature perspective, need to be spoiled rotten (oh, so rotten), sleeping habits- not telling, just have to find out
Diligence: to put everything into their passion for work, their passion for me, their passion for friends and hobbie (in that order, until I slowly go to the top), and not give up.
I think generally speaking I still want the same things. I’m just a whole lot better at figuring out (hopefully), who has the potential for those traits and who doesn’t. Also, I’ve gotten more specific in terms of what type of amibition and passion, how it manifests itself, and so forth. No more rich finance asshole. No more artsy, hippie-esk person with no schedule. Just an utterly unique individual, who can still conquer the professional life…. and I have a weakness for engineers and cute smiles.
15:31 – 0 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
’ow to make a fith fath
Step 1: Open you mouth
Step 2: Suck in your cheeks until the corners of your mouth touch each others
Step 3: Bite down on your cheeks to hold in place
Step 4: Move your lips up and down
Congratulations! If you followed the instructions and have seen my pikkature, then you will have successfully made a fith fath.
Extra credit: Being able to do a fith fath while sticking out your tongue… it’s an art P
Feeling rather crappalicious right about now. I guess everything makes logical sense, but it doesn’t necessarily keep life from sucking a whole lot. At least I know I have good taste in people now. Everyone that really matters in my life is pretty freakidy awesome. They’re all incredibly smart, whether book, street, or both. They’re beautiful beyond belief. Sometimes I just want to go up to them, close my eyes, and see them with my finger tips, drinking in every ounce of life force they emit from their pores. They’re talented beyond their professional lives, with rich hobbies and artful apartment decor. They’re literate. Some of them can actually spell… They all have clothes on their backs, food in their mouth, and a shelter to call home. ) I’m just being silly now.
I guess I’m really lucky to have what I have right now. I haven’t exactly worked hard all my life. In fact, I can remember only a few instances, where I put in any effort at all. My successes have relied mostly on my natural talents, which excelled in primary school, got me by in college, and are somewhat lacking now that all the average joes have caught up. I seriously have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Daydreams of what could have been just recently flowed out the window; not even my super duper mosquito screen could stop them. And now, I’m just me.
Is that enough? I’m not quite sure. I guess it will have to be for now. Thank you, Seher and Oscar, for volunteering to entertain me and help me back on my feet. Seher for offering to basically have me visit and hang out and explore the city and mostly importantly P, to be broke together. And Oscar for showing me around the bay and aimlessly driving and discussing God at some random, “ungodly” hour, when the Pacific wind blew chills in from the horizon. And for agreeing at some point to go strawberry picking with me. And for saying you’ll take a day off during the weekend and showing me around. And for giving me all of those things I couldn’t get from anyone else.
I really should carry out Seher’s great idea about the letters and such. I’m not writing about it because you might be getting something soon, and I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Just hint that there might be a surprise a comin’ ). I’ve written two versions for Bench (yes, that’s a code, dummy) and haven’t finished either. I have no idea what to say to fully express my emotions and gratitude for life. On one hand, I love that the people around me possess no words to fully describe them, at least not ones that I know. Then again, I’ve written until my wrists are sore, and I still am not done. I’d draw them, but it’s been almost a year since I’ve sketched anything decent, and I don’t think anyone wants to sit for 8 hours and have me stare at them intently like a scientific artifact, while I figure out how to highlight and shadow charcoal again. Besides, I’m too broke to buy art supplies. It’s a tiny bit sad. Especially since charcoals are basically the cheapest thing out there, aside from lead, which just makes me go ehhh…
I guess I should go back to work. I don’t really know what to write. I don’t really want to write what I’m feeling. I don’t really want to discuss what I really don’t want to think about. So there.
MOOOOOO )
teeeheeeeheeee……
Currently listening :
Bravebird
By Amel Larrieux
Release date: 20 January, 2004
13:22 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 8, 2007 – Sunday
you silly little boy…
Current mood: bitchy
I guess some people enjoy being crude and utterly stupid… well, let’s not make fun of your intelligence just yet. I mean I don’t even know you. Let’s try ignorant white looking boy, who thinks he’s being “gangsta” by having a tupac page…
Well, here’s your taste of blast:
From: “James” http://www.myspace.com/1985James
Subject: Hey
Body: You got ne nude photots… s.u.b.zero@hotmail.com
hook me up girl
Silly boy… horny and don’t get enough ass? Aww… poor you… I guess Kentucky isn’t as fun as people make it out to be.
I am feeling rather sarcastic tonight.
23:49 – 2 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 6, 2007 – Friday
Jany’s soo soo bad
why did my broke ass spend $500 on shoes yesterday? and even more on clothes? seriously? why? and i didn’t even get like 10 pairs of shoes or anything… i got 2!! one pair Michael Kors and one pair Kate Spade!! I’m so ridiculous. i may look absolutely amazing in ‘em, but i’m broke as hell and definitely feeling the cognitive dissonance (yay seher for actually paying attention in marketing class).
*sigh*… i guess being broke is part of living in the 20s… or maybe it’s just the bay and the city (a.k.a. manhattan) is ubber expensive…
at least i’ll have a partner to ramen with.
15:27 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 5, 2007 – Thursday
we women
we, women, deserve to be treated with respect
starting with ourselves
to not look outward for love and affection, but to find it within first
we, women, deserve to receive what we give
this should be a world of equality
we should not look for hand outs but deserve to take what we give
we, women, deserve to be loved
to find that special someone who understands us
sees us not at women but as people
as a whole, good, bad, faults, hormones, beauty, life, and love
we, women, deserve to be in love
and the object of that romance
to experience the i cannot wait to see her or him
to have someone physically hurt when he or she cannot be around us
to want to give and sacrifice everything
because that person does the same
and in that love, we can achieve harmony without losing self
we, women, deserve to experience
to not be limited by our biological clocks
but trek fearlessly on and discover our true calling
to be allowed to have job and child
without having home and career be two full time jobs
to have assistance when needed
and to break free of societal expectations and obligations
we, women, deserve affection
because most women have characteristics of stereotypes
to love sensitivity and tokens of appreciation
to be held and to be allowed to be soft, gentle, and out right girlie
we, women, deserve to be informed
to know about your past because we’re more than willing to share ours
because our insecurities about other women are not only fostered by other women
but by society, by family, and even by friends
we want to know so we can act
be logical and not panick
think straight and not digress
our knowledge is key to our stability and ultimately part of your happiness
we, women, deserve
because most of us quietly push aside our needs, our wants, and our dreams
to supply yours, gift yours, and support yours
because we are inherently willing to change and meet your needs
because so many of us lose ourselves in the process of giving
because the harmony of dual sacrifice is not always fulfilled on your end
because we love you with every ounce of our beating heart
because we allow you thoughts and thoughts of you to permeate through our veins
and flow through our entire system
because you want to, not because we force you to
because it’s so hard to not expect something from you, when we really want something you to show how much you care but can’t tell you that we do
because… we can’t stop loving you
being in love with you
wanting the best from you
confusing ourselves when your needs diverge from ours
wanting to satisfy self but always giving in to you first
because we love you
with everything
sacrifice everything
forsake everything
boycott everything
lose everything
not to own you or control you or be your walking shadow
but for 3 little syllables
we, women, deserve patience and to be patience
to understand you are not us
you have different needs, wants, and dreams from ours
from what we think is yours
to understand that sometimes you simply need time
to explore us, to touch us, to discover us
to understand that your term for “patience” is probably longer than ours
to realize that your unspoken sacrifices may have escaped our fogged vision
to notice when you do the grand gestures and the little notes that make our melody
to go on living without sacrifice because you never expected it, so why should you give it?
to wait
for when you’re ready
to wait
for the title
to wait
for the introductions
to wait
for you to open up to us
pour out your hearts to us
hold you and understand you
kiss and be kissed by you
to wait
for those 3 little words
but we, women, deserve to define the wait
to know when enough is enough
to take back when all we’ve done is give
to stop waiting because that day may never come
to realize that you aren’t fooling us
you’re fooling yourself
to realign, revamp, and regain ourselves
and move the on
to know that sometimes, as hard as we try
as hard as you try
we simply cannot intersect, only keep tangency for so long
before our curves become hard lines
and we lose our function
knowing that it wasn’t you
it was us being around you
we, women, deserve to digress
to force you to read between the lines
to make you figure out what’s bothering us
so that you can do the right thing without we, women, sounding like we, mothers
so that we don’t have to have another discussion
of where is this going and do you really care
because caring is not love
love envelopes caring, is grander than caring, is sometimes more painful than caring
but caring is a small part of love
and we, women, deserve love
we, women, deserve true love
full disclosure
full exposure
full kisses
and full hugs
and we, women, are scared
that we think you are it
but you don’t think we are it
that time invested may not reap what we seek
that those 3 little words will never fall on our ears
and we, women, are left in the air
hoping to fly but being prepared to fall
we are tired of the ambivalence
sore from hanging off the edge
emotionally unsteady, unsure, and just exhausted
from deserving
from waiting
for those 3 little words
that may never fall on our ears
we are scared
terrified
trembling
waiting
for those 3 little words
we, women, deserve to know, to love, to be loved
but really we, women, don’t know when enough is enough
so we wait
scared
terrified
trembling
and wait
nauseated
giddy
confused
and wait
for those
3
little
words.
23:40 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 4, 2007 – Wednesday
to my sister
your fire is the engine behind my change
the warmth that keeps me when the world swirls its icy currents
the blanket that cocoons me and the covers that nestle my tears
your love envelopes every malignant vibe, yet sweeps through to uncover the truth from my emotional haze
a sisterly love that transcends beyond any physicality
although your pulchritude glows as strong as your spirit
I am the me that you see
because you are the you
teaching me to let go of the immaturities of youth
of the doubts, the pessimism, and foggy maneuverings of love
of even you
to stop protecting you
because you’ve gained so much by allowing your heart to be open
while those stupid enough to break it
continue to live in their ignorance
of that beauty that is you
and for that I am so blessed
so thankful
to live with your spirit
your friendship
your honorary sister to sister love
you are
manificent
and the one to last capture you
is truly lucky indeed.
23:50 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
April 2, 2007 – Monday
it’s 1am and i can’t sleep
Current mood: content
it’s probably all the redbull i had earlier, but I just can’t seem to fall asleep right now.
Yes, I seem like I wanna be black or something in my profile song. I don’t. I don’t really care about race or wish I could be one race over another. It’s not about that, so why do people make it about that? I just like the words. I like the rhythm. I like the spirit. I like it’s ultimate goal. And I like repetition in my writing. Oh, so much.
I feel so much like writing something sappy right now. About what a great weekend I had, even though I had to work both Saturday and Sunday. About how sweet it was that you drove all the way here to see me and told me about how your sister crashed into a bush, while riding her bike. About how wonderful it was to walk around the city holding your arm. About how I feel like I’m yours, when we’re out. There isn’t an awkwardness anymore. About how cute it was that you looked up where they were playing Meet the Robinsons in 3-D so that you could take me. About how you think your car is bigger than mine, even though it’s not (It’s not!!! I win!! muahahaha). About even though I’m exhausted by the work from this weekend to the point that I had to send over the presentation three times because I kept spelling the word “principal” wrong, all I really remember was the beautiful Saturday afternoon, when you made me forget about all the work I had to do. About how I didn’t mind that I ended up being 30 minutes late because I spent the time kissing you. About you tease me because my left hand always goes down the same path in its addiction to you. About how we’ve run out of places in my apartment and the old places aren’t conducive to anything. About how I really wanted to make out with you in the elevator but didn’t because I don’t want you to think I’m a complete nymph. Seriously, I’m not. Okay, maybe I am, but it’s your fault. About how absolutely adorable you sound when you’re sleepy. About how you sleep so so much all I want to do is “be thhennnsualll”. About how ghetto you are but can’t define the word.
But I’m not going to. Other than the fact that I just summed it all up along with my weekend, there are no words to fully express how I feel and how I’ve grown. I don’t feel the same as I used to. About life. About you. I’m not really sure what I feel right now, but I know it’s different. It’s really hard to explain. It’s like I feel more like an actual adult and as much as I appreciate you and still get disallusioned and depressed when I’m alone for a long period of time, I’m okay with that now. I might prefer to be with someone rather than alone, but I’m getting more used to myself. And I like myself more. I have more confidence. I still don’t like scary movies and anything remotely creepy or superstitious makes me jump, but the thought of you comforts me, even if you’re not there. I trust you more. I still have lots of questions, and doubts manifest as my mind wanders about how much you really care and how you care and who you care for and do you tell me 100% of the truth. But I do trust you. I believe what you say, even if I somehow end up getting hurt in the end. That doesn’t sound too confident, but I do have confidence in you. I don’t feel like I’d lose everything if I lose you. It’ll hurt, but to some degree I know and I hope that you’ll still be in my life. And for that I’m very blessed and so knowing that, even if we don’t work as a we, I’ll still have you in me. I’ll remember to be more patient. To ask questions instead of letting thoughts fester in my mind. That there are people who care about me out there. That people don’t always think the same and are so predictable. I think Seher is right when she says that you’re a good experience for me. You’ve basically given me hope that there are good men out there, and with the world of pimps, hos, and all about the benjamins, it’s nice to know that. I’m still very possessive and jealous, but I’ve grown to know how to handle it. And I think my feelings have really matured. At the end of the day, it’s not about how you will affect my life. As my view of you becomes more whole and I know more about you, I just want you to be happy. To do something you really love doing everyday, so that you don’t think of work as a burden. To have time to be with yourself and watch TV and play video games and play basketball and chill with whomever you want to chill with. To call me because you want to call me. To understand that I’m there for you and you will never have to worry about my loyalty. (Again, love the repetition.)
I think it’s definitely time for me to go to bed now. It’s getting late, and my computer is running out of battery.
I really hope that I get my ish together and get the things that I need to get done, done. I hope that I find a really dope spot for the next year that’s relatively close to everything. I hope that the distance won’t drive us apart. I hope that sometime this year you will find yourself wanting to tell me more, just because without reason or relation to me. I hope that you will finally give me the title I want. I hope that crazy will stop buggin’, even if it’s just my insecurity talking. I hope that I’ll find new friends and won’t spend this birthday alone b/c I don’t know anyone and Seher is in her crazy hermit mode.
G’night.
P.S. Thanks for remembering my birthday
i think i’ve found myself again
it makes me very content and happy ) that’s all.
22:45 – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
March 26, 2007 – Monday
i have a big head and little arms
so I’ve been sitting here for about half an hour, watching the Simpsons with no idea what to write. Started to analyze how my blogs usually disclose how i feel at that particular moment but not my thoughts on the subject overalls. For example, as much as it may seem like I let little tiny things affect me, it doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. Then, I wanted to write about how I had such a great day. I got a lot of work done, the principal at SHIFT loved a piece of collateral I created (woot to Photoshop skills), and I ended up switching my insurance to CA finally. I’m really excited about getting CA plates too, and getting into the whole Left coast spirit. Ended up chatting to O for like an hour and how cool it would be if he added me to his insurance, so that I could ride his bike… although I seriously doubt I could handle a 1300cc bike. Even the lady at the to go place being nice to me broke a smile on my face. So yay! Then, I thought of discussing how I look so tired in my profile picture, but I still really like it in some weird demented way. I mean my face looks splotchy, I look like I have circles under my eyes, although that usually never happens, and my nose seems to be as wide as… um… some allusion to something wide. My brain is so dead… ick. But I’m happy, yeeeeh!! Yeah, I need medical help 
. Point is, I heart my profile picture. I look so asian but so different at the same time.
Okay, Ima go do something else now b/c me no write my english well.
19:34 – 2 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
March 25, 2007 – Sunday
This is so not about you
you think you’re so great
that you have me by your pinky
to loop and loll as you please
but i’ve grown stronger and wiser while you play
make me wait and wait and wait
but the funny thing with games
is that the minute you think you have control
is the second that you lose it
i’ve given more but i’m the one to gain
i thank you for your time
and for teaching me this great lesson
but now i’m free and you’re still trapped
in your game, game, game
bye … oh and have fun…
23:20 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
All grown up
I guess life is all about comparison and opposite. What’s big without something bigger or smaller? Now as the next year of seniors are preparing to graduate from their respective universities and colleges, I realize that it’s almost been a year since I’ve graduated myself. It’s eerie to think that I’m not in college anymore, not in any sort of institutionalized educational system, and there’s no longer a pressure or law to keep me from going back. The other day, I forgot the name of Spruce Street. CVS has moved from 38th Street to 34th Street, and I know there are probably a plethora of changes on campus since I visited in September.
The point is that I’m still in shock that I’m not in college anymore. I can’t claim to be a silly college girl or not take responsibility for my actions. In a lot of ways, I enjoy having a job, knowing that I’m able to provide for myself, and having an apartment to call my very own. On the other hand, it’s typical to feel a sort of loss in not being able to live a child’s life anymore. I remember all of sophomore year, I felt myself refusing to grow up. I was so afraid to change my perspective and become, in my opinion, a provincial adult. Even when I finally realized that I needed to grow up and take care of myself before I ended up like a spoiled yuppy New Yorker working at some big firm and becoming some terminal batchelorette because I can’t find someone to be my match, I still resist taking complete control of my life. I have moved to the West Coast and constantly reevaluating the state of my happiness, what’s causing my emotions, and making sure that my relationships with friends and family at somewhat on point. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that parts of my still rely on those closest to me to help make decisions, when I should be looking more to myself. I understand that some people operate differently. Not everyone can deal with emotions by themselves, and having other opinions keeps the decision well informed and more logical. I may be one of those people, who likes to have someone hold me when I’m sad instead of just being by myself. Even so, it’s probably an act of maturity to be able to not depend on those around me, if none of them happen to be available. There just a lot of things that I still have to learn about myself and about life and society.
Boo, I wanted this to be an eye-opening, sophisticated analysis of my current feelings and philosophical rants of maturity, but the state of my emotions has completely clouded my mind and coherence. To put it simply and concisely, I have matured so much in the last few years, but I realize that there is still a long way to go. That isn’t to sound negative because I think I’m going to enjoy the road to becoming more of a whole adult, more understanding, and as I get to know myself more, hopefully I’ll also have the energy to care more about others. That’s it. No need to tie in college or this or that.
So basically, the more that I grow up and enjoy being by myself, the less I’ll have to rely on relationships and put straing on them, when I’m having personal problems. Hmmm… what’s a simply epiphany (I think that’s the point of having one). As long as I take care of myself, everything else will fall into place… if they’re meant to be that is.
I’m going to bed now. I’m feel incredibly giddy and slightly stupid right now with just a hint of awkwardness. *smile*
P.S. I’m so happy I got such a great parking spot during dinner with Avril and Seher last night. A block from the restaurant in the mission… if you haven’t been to San Francisco on a weekend night, then you don’t understand the magnitute of exactly how lucky I am. 
K. G’night.
22:07 – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
March 20, 2007 – Tuesday
love
Current mood: melancholy
i’m so sick of giving and getting nothing back
sick of loving
sick of wanting you to hold me and love me
but i have to make you put your arms around me
asking you to kiss me
making you run frivolous errands to show that you care
i’m tired of being your burden instead of blessing
of putting you above everything, my parents, even myself
only to be waitlisted on your never ending list of things to do
i want you to be happy
i do everything i can to ensure that
you just seem so reluctant to let down your guard
i’m scared too
i’m so scared to be so open
to be so romantic
to actually believe that someone could possibly love me
to care for me
to hold me and never want to let go
and all the while dealing with you holding yourself back
i don’t know what to do
to pound and pound on a door that isn’t there
a brick wall that you hold between us
you don’t ask me to forsake anything
but i’m willing to
you don’t ask me for anything
yet i do all i can
i just want you
nothing else
you
only you
